Whack, Whack, Whack

My heart has been shattered. You tell each other stories and make plans for the future. We were to be old ladies going on endless adventures and not giving a damn what anyone thought or did. We imagined ourselves on benches, wearing sun hats and bright colours.

Fate is a son of a bitch. Now it's just me and I never even had a chance to say goodbye.

So I won't.

The End, The Beginning, The Something

i don't know about you, but often i get sucked into the bubble that is my mind and the reality that i build for myself. sometimes it is a colourful, joyous space and one that is full of excitement, inspiration and hope. lately, more often than not, it is a space of frustration, irritation and sometimes downright anger. it can also be a very lonely space - despite the saying "misery loves company", my misery does not attract any friends. so, when i raise my head and i am reminded that there are things that can brighten the world and those things can be very simple and straightforward, i smile a little.

it's the end of the year, let me try to make it the beginning of the end of spending too much time in the bubble. here's to holding each other a little more (with the other parties' consent, of course). here's to recognising more messages of hope, joy and inspiration.

here's to the somethings!

Whoa! Wonderment

August 21st is my father's birthday. I am not sure when it become tradition but I did what I have come to do every year on my father's birthday: I opened up a little box of letters from him and read a few. I laughed and I cried and I thought about how much I still miss him.

Then I got ready to go out and experience the eclipse. I made sure I made no appointments on Monday afternoon as I was determined to see this eclipse. We were only going to have a partial experience, we were told. No matter, partial is likely quite different from no eclipse at all. Because I had not ordered glasses (by the time I decided I was excited about the eclipse, I couldn't buy the glasses anywhere), so I went to a local bar that offered glasses to those who attended. By the time I got to the bar, all glasses had been given out (it seems I was not alone in snagging glasses early). I was deflated.

"Would you like to take a look?" A very kind woman offered me a peek through the glasses she was holding out to me. She didn't have to ask me twice. I put the glasses on and I looked up.

Awestruck. Silenced. Reverent. That photo doesn't begin to communicate the moment. I got even luckier when an employee gave me a pair of glasses that I was able to hold onto for the rest of the afternoon, as I watched the moon move along until it was gone.

I think I may have a new obsession. I'm already checking calendars to see when I can do this again. This moment reminded me what wonder feels like. During many many moments of cynicism and frustration, this was such an aah moment.

Seeing Red...

When you ask me what I want and I say, "that red one please", I wonder why you then choose to give me the purple, pink or even grey one. It makes me wonder - do you think I don't know what I want? Do you think that what I want is wrong? Do you think you know what I want better than I do and that, when you bring me that not-red one, I shall see the error of my preference? Why does it upset you, when the not-red-after-I-asked-for-red gets me looking a little disappointed? Why does it upset you when I don't say - "this is exactly what I wanted"? Why do you ask me why I don't have my not-red item on me all the time?

Here I am, wondering why you asked me in the first place, if you were not going to give me that. It may not make you happy to see me in red but, oh my goodness, it makes me ecstatic and... it's exactly what I want.

Rough!

Monday was a spectacularly bad day for me. It was like that flower pot in the photo. There I was, with my green shoots looking to grow and flourish and all and people just came by and treated me like a garbage can. I mean, did I look like a garbage can? Do garbage cans have potted plants growing out of them? Ugh.

But yes, Monday was just horrid. It wasn't just the train nightmare, which started with a subway track fire and affected many lines, including mine. It wasn't the very early appointment that I had to make, and I am still not a morning person. It was that, after all of that, I received devastating news. The kind of news that makes you flinch as you try to approach the memory of it, so that you can try to absorb and process it all. The kind of news whose repercussions have nothing good going for them. The kind of news you really want to find a space where you can live in complete denial of it all.

That was my Monday, dumped on, like a plant being taken for a garbage can, still flinching at the memory of it all.

Who's That Genius?

it is just about 7 PM and I just found out that today, Sunday, is National Ice Cream Day. I mean, really? On a Sunday? No one needs a National Ice Cream Day on a Sunday. You know when you need a National Ice Cream Day? On Monday. On a day when a long and bleak week lies ahead and it seems like nothing can lift your spirits. Can you imagine how you would feel if, on a day like that, someone said - Free Ice Cream! I know I would be beyond pleased. I know that that ice cream would give me hope that I could make it through the week. On Sunday, I wouldn't even think to check if it was National Ice Cream Day. What am I going to do now? I may just need ice cream to make me feel better.

Baby Steps... One More Time

Oh my goodness! It has been a long, long while since I wrote here. I got to the point where it was so long that I was embarrassed to write. But, yesterday, I thought to myself - this is my space, this is my writing and as long as I have thoughts, or something, it's not too late. So here I go, again, again again...