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i was persuing the paper the other day and came across a story about a woman who had allegedly bartered her two kids to a couple, in exchange for an exotic bird and $175. The couple that owned the bird and the $175 were a couple who had been trying to have a child - they went so far as to have fertility treatments - but were unsuccessful and also now no longer had much money. But they had a bird and a little under $200 and out there there was a woman who wanted a bird and cash with which to buy birdseed, it looks like. And so of course, it all begs the question - how did that deal all come about?

Apparently the woman made this deal after responding to an ad on a flier that she saw. Now, I spent a train ride trying to come up with possible wording for that flier:

For Sale Exotic Bird. Will take Cash or Children

Great Parents Seek Children. We have nothing but Love to Give. Oh and a Bird

Your Kids Too Much For You? How About a Bird? So much Less maintenance. Let's Swop.


And then, how did the conversation at the house go?
"I thought the bird would fill the void, but it's just not working. You are so lucky to have those kids."
"Oh no, you're the lucky ones; that's one beautiful bird you have. Hey, you know what? Give me the bird and $200 and I'll give you the kids. I think we'll be just about even."
"Well, we only h ave $175."
"You guys drive a hard bargain but, you know, that is one gorgeous bird. It's a deal."

Oh to be a fly on that wall.

Call Me Crotchety Grandma

There are many newfangled things that I don't understand. I don't get how it is now fashionable for women to wear a leotard sans any kind of bottom (skirt, pants, shorts, anything) and consider that an outfit - I'm looking at you Madonna and Beyonce. I'm still trying to wrap my head around Twitter - I thought tweeting was a thing only little birds did. So, yeah, I'm not the model of modern life and I do get that things change but I hope the world changes its mind about putting the word QUICK out to pasture. How can the English language survive without it? I mean it goes beyond, the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog or a rhyming word for candlestick (as in jack be nimble, jack be quick). It just brings a little colour to a conversation. Fast this, fast that - can't we be quick every once in a while?

And you can do so much with quick - you can be quick, or run quickly; you can quicken your pace lest you sink in quicksand. And, well it just seems like a word full of speed. Maybe I have a bias. Maybe I'm just using the demise of quick as a way to block the painful-like-nails-on-a-blackboard rampant use of the word "good" as an adverb. I mean, people, well is just as short as good - is it too difficult a word to learn?

And for all this grumpy old-lady grumbling, I blame my high school English and Latin teachers for brainwashing me with the rules. I shake my fist at you, Mrs Davidson, you did bad!

Oh March, Why So Literal?

Okay so I get that the word on the street is that you are "in like a lion and out like a lamb", but you know people don't really expect you to take that seriously. And, even if you did, we would be quite okay with you being "in like a lion CUB"; being that a lamb is a baby sheep and all, I think that would make sense. Even if you forgot and just gamoled like a lamb all the way through, we would also be okay with that.

But no, you had to send us the worst storm of the season, coupled with bitingly cold high winds and frigid temperatures. I mean, there is a point where numbers on a thermometer cease to matter and I'm thinking that point is when it's so cold it feels as though there is an ice drill working it's way into your skull, via your exposed forehead. As I trudged down the street to catch the train to work, I wondered if I was walking too slowly and carefully. That question was promptly answered by the sight of a woman who had just rushed past me slipping and falling to the icy pavement. I battled the elements in to the office, only to find that a snow day had been called. Oh well, since I was out anyway, I went over to the Apple store to take a class on using my MacBook (yes, I have finally made the switch and it is way more awesome than I imagined!)

I digress, March. I'm here on a mission. To implore you to try to be less literal about things. By the time we get to you, we are tired of winter. We are mentally at our limit - we can't do snow, cold or general dark weather anymore. We are ready for spring blossoms, lighter coats and we are so ready to smile up at the sunny sky (while avoiding poop, of course). So feel free to create a new cliche, like maybe "hope after a bleak winter" or "spring starts here" or "April, Schmapril". But, you can wait until next year - just to be sure, let's close out the cliche, please. We really need some lamby weather.

But Why Where I Walk?

I come across a lot of poop in my life.  Now, if I lived on the farm with my mother and my sister, that would make a lot of sense; in fact, it might even be a given.  But I don't.  I don't even, to the best of my knowledge, live near a farm.  I actually live in a city of many, many people and many bathrooms.  And yet I come across a lot of poop.  

I believe that the bulk of it is dog poop.  There are a lot of pets in my neighbourhood.  It fascinates me because New York apartments tend to be slightly larger than a walk-in closet and I have barely enough room for me, but some people find space for dogs that are the size of small ponies.  But, I say, if they are both happy, that is great.  However, if I have to come across your pooch's poop as I go about my life, then I am not happy and that is not good.  There are signs all over the place telling people to "Curb your dog" and threatening fines of $250 for those who break the law.  Now, curbing a dog means that a dog is supposed to do all its business in the in the gutter, off the pavement, so that the general public is not playing a game of avoid-the-animal-waste and those who live in ground floor apartments don't feel as though they live in a long-drop loo.  This is the law and yet everyday I see owners whistling away as their dogs go where they please and we end up feeling lucky when the owner takes time to scoop the poop (always leaving smudged remains on the pavement).  Let me also take time to state here, I have never seen anyone fined for not curbing their dog.  I mean, who do you report them to?  How are they identified?  I know the crazy lady next door (who lives on the ground floor) sits outside her building at times, yelling abuse at those who bring their dogs by to pee on the trees outsider her apartment.  She complains that she spends all kinds of money trying to remove the odours emanating from her garden and the dog-owners look at her as though she is wicked witch of the west.  To which she responds, "If you don't think it's a big deal, why don't you let them go outside your home?"

Let me add that I can't put all the blame on the dogs and their owners.  For, one night I dashed out to pick up something from the corner store and as I walked back home, I heard a sound to my left.  I looked over and found myself looking into the eyes of a man squatting, between two parked cards, with his pants around his ankles, holding a toilet roll.  I quickly looked away, stared ahead and hurried to my apartment.  I had two thoughts - if he tries to chase me, I have a head-start while he pulls up his pants and, hopefully, wipes his bum; and at least he curbed himself.  

So, when I walk through, I'm sure, my very scenic neighbourhood, I cannot take time to smell the roses - they tend to smell rather foul - I can't look around and take in the sights - for fear of stepping into an uncurbed surprise - and I can't walk as I please - I have to step around dogs doing their business.  I feel badly for the pets, as they are just trying to let it all out after being indoors for hours at a time, and now passersby are giving them dirty looks like it is their fault their owners are not disciplined and responsible.  But not badly enough.  I shouldn't have to negotiate an obstacle course every time I leave my home.

Yes, everybody poops, but do they have to do it everywhere?