Tested

i have an irrational fear of heights. i know it's irrational but it doesn't make it any less real. you see, my fear of rodents is completely rational but heights... all i know is that it is there and it is great and soon i may be tested. i shall have to choose which is more powerful - friendship or fear.

i often try to figure out where this fear came from; i remember spending a lot of my childhood climbing trees and other tall structures without a a second thought. one year, though, when i was about 11 years old i went on a class trip. we stayed at a camp and spent our days engaged in various outdoors activities, beginning each day with a run. towards the end of the week, it was time to conquer the mountains that surrounded our camp. the adults packed ropes and we set out, walking the paths up the hills towards rock faces in the distance. i had no idea what i was in for. how could i? i grew up in cities and climbed only trees and urban structures - no ropes involved.

the man in charge left a group of us and the bottom of, what appeared to me to be, a sheer rock face. he clipped rope to our belts and headed on up the path. when he reached the top, he stuck his head over the rock face and yelled that we were to take the short cut, up the sheer face. at first things went well, i clambered up, finding crevices and crannies to lodge my feet and hands and work up the rock face. i was almost at the top when it happened. i'm not completely sure how, maybe i slipped a little, maybe a tiny piece of rock came sliding past me and falling into nothingness. your guess is as good as mine but, whatever happened, i froze right up. i looked back and all i could see was empty air. i imagined myself falling through that air and, for the first time in my life i faced my mortality. i looked up at the man in charge and said, "i can't."
"yes you can."
"no, i can't do this - there's nowhere to put my hands. i can't go any further." my heartbeat had quickened and i was close to hyperventilating. and then he did it. he let go of the safety rope.
"well, you're going to have to do it because i'm not helping you up and now that i've let go of the rope, you are either going to fall or get up here."
it was like my skin grew suction cups or i had turned into a part-spider creature. i scrambled up to the top of the rock and collapsed.
"see, i told you you could do it." i didn't respond. i lay silently, trying to get my heart back from the place outside my body it had run off to. i think that was the beginning of the end.
generally, i live a life mostly on the ground so i almost never have to face this fear of not having terra firma under my feet. but last week i got a call. it was boston's birthday and, to celebrate, she wants to go skydiving. and she wants me to go with her. what to do?

i have reminded her of my fear. i have told her that any skydiving will probably come with screaming and tears (i can only hope i don't pee my pants). but i have said that i shall try. i do hope that friedship is stronger than fear. but my fear is pretty darn great. and who knows what will happen when i look out of the door of the airborne plane. who knows what irrational fear will do...