Watch My Mouth

sometimes i find myself in a place where there are a lot of people driving around in cars and good weather. on these occasions, i have noticed convertibles breeze by with the tops down and, thus, been able to get a view of the person driving the car. most of the time, the driver of the car is a man north of forty years old. i see this and i wonder - does this mean that by the time one can afford one of these fancy convertible cars, that person is at the point where they end up looking like a dirty old man or someone caught in the throes of a midlife crisis?

so, a few months ago i was sent to florida for a week, for work. i went to the rental company to pick up my car and the customer service lady turned out to be a woman who used to live in my current neighbourhood. it was like we were old friends! she asked about restaurants and bodegas, and we laughed and bonded. then she handed me some keys and said, "you're from brooklyn like me so i'm going to give you a free upgrade." i got a convertible. and upon the insistence of one of my assistants, i figured out how to get the top down and we rode the town. she sat in the back seat, with her sunglasses on and a huge grin on her face while i chauffeured her around. the passenger riding shotgun complained that he couldn't feel the air conditioning with the roof down.

fast forward to monday when i found myself picking up a rental car in another part of florida.
"are you here alone?" the customer service lady asked.
"well, yes, right now i am." i responded.
"perhaps i can interest you in an upgrade to a ford mustang convertible?"
"oh, no, thank you. i'm here for work; i really don't need to be driving around in a car like that. thank you though." i couldn't imagine explaining that to my boss. i don't think "i was on my own" flying as a reason for an upgrade to sporty convertible.
the woman, nodded okay and carried on with my application. at the end of it all, she smiled up at me and said, "well, i'm going to give you a complimentary upgrade to the mustang. you have to get out and have fun while you're here. you can't spend all your time working!"
such a lovely person, she handed me the key and i thought to myself -

maybe i missed a key demographic of the sports convertible market - the single woman spending a week alone in a holiday destination.

either that or i look like a middle-aged man.

Not The Hits I Want...

several months ago, hidef and i headed moseyed on over to zimbabwe for a two week visit. it was hidef's first trip there, so i asked my mother to put together an itinerary for us that would give us a great experience of the country at a low cost. of course, being the superhero that she is, it was an incredible itinerary. it was intense (we drove 5,000 km in 5 days) but that is a tale for another day. despite spending a little time in a game park, we saw very little wildlife - the price you pay for a quick trip. apparently the animals either had not received my mother's memo about our touring or decided that getting on with their own lives was more important than coming out to parade for us.

having spent time out in the wild, we headed back to the city to visit art galleries, and sculpture parks. zimbabwean stone sculpture is rather famous in the world so going to check out some good works was very necessary. we arrived at the spot, placed in a suburb, not far from downtown harare, and ambled into the sculpture park to look at pieces. because a lot of the sculptures are massive, the parks like to create an atmosphere where pieces seem to rise, like mountains, out of the grass in the middle of nowhere. to add, i presume, more authenticity to this out in the wild theme, the park has brought in monkeys that hang about, looking all cute and lovable - as monkeys on tv tend to do.

so there we were, walking about, looking at art and then we headed out to an enclosure that contained the permanent collection. these are the masterpieces that are kept in their own space, reached by walking through a doorway in a wall of stones. sitting on one side of this doorway were two monkeys, one grooming the other. hidef looked up and said, "that's great." he pulled out his camera and took the photo that you see above, and carried on through the doorway, happy with his great shot. i was walking a few steps behind hidef and this is my story.

as hidef took his photo, the flash went off (which wasn't supposed to happen, but it was a new camera and he messed up the settings... at least that's what he says). the flash startled the monkeys and they hopped up and squealed - you can see in the photo that they are no longer grooming each other. perhaps if you look closer, you can see startled in their expressions. as hidef disappeared through the doorway, they focused on what was now standing where the flashing light had come from. it was me. the monkeys screeched more and jumped to the ground to place themselves menacingly between me and the doorway. i hesitated. that was my mistake. hesitation is weakness - i tell myself this almost every time i am jaywalking. hesitation is the difference between success and road kill. so back to me, hesitating in the face of the two startled monkeys. that split second gave them the time, apparently, to call for back up. out of nowhere, two more monkeys appeared next to the first two. they formed lined up, like soldiers, next to each other and started walking towards me, baring their teeth and screeching in a very intimidating manner.

i started to back up as thoughts raced through my head. those monkeys looked very angry and very organised. they moved towards me as though they had practised for a while; it was a terrifying military lockstep. i wished i had watched more shows on the animal planet and the discovery planet - perhaps i would have found out how monkey attack. i was digging frantically through my brain to see if somewhere was some knowledge about what monkeys go for first - eyes? neck? privates? and still they moved towards me, picking up their pace. was there a way to stop them? my brain was giving me nothing. nothing! finally, my lungs, heretofore frozen in shock, leapt into action.
"oh my god, i'm about to be attacked by monkeys!" hidef turned around to see the monkeys break into a run towards me. as he moved in my direction, sculpture park employees came running towards me, yelling and waving their arms. thankfully, the monkeys decided that they were outnumbered and outsized. i am happy to say that i still have no idea what monkeys attack first. i'm in no hurry to gain that knowledge.