My Day Declared

It's official!  It was my day, though I am happy to share it.  What an incredible day.  I woke up to this awesome poster (references to my racing number tags that I have to pin to my shirt) and a text from my sister.  It only got better. 

I forget, sometimes, so it was a great time to remember what an amazing life I have lived and still live.  I have friends and family from all over the world and incredible experiences to show for it all.  I come across a song and I remember a joke, a dance, a cry or all three.  I read a birthday message and I laugh because I remember something from years ago - a slang word shared among friends, a show we snuck into without permission or a heartbreak that I just knew then I could never get over.

Every day the there are more experiences, more laughs, more music and more love.  Isn't life just grand.  Even when it gets dark and infuriating and you just can't believe the idiots (who put them in charge and how did that happen), I am just pleased as punch that I get the day to remember that there are stupendous people out there - and some of them are in my life!

Trapped!

I find myself locked in a room with four other people, at least as many calculators and eye-damaging screens. I find myself in a room of technology yet, strangely, no Internet. I find myself in this room, clinging to one tiny hope - they tell me freedom will come on Friday.

Off The Hook!

I have been telling you of the adventures that the wee one and I had between somewhere in Virginia and Brooklyn, where we ended up.  But none of this happened in a vacuum and, though I live to have a life like an ABBA song or moments like I'm in The Sound of Music, the real deal is not as glamourous.  First of all, driving is very exhausting.  The adrenalin that came about from hearing the news of my aunt and the wee one and then rushing out to Virginia kept me going for a while, but when I lay down for the night, I was done!  All this time though, my phone kept ringing - it was the police, then the medical folk, then someone from social services (about the wee one), then friends of my aunt, then family.  What it was, was never ending.  I was getting questions I could not answer, requests for information I was hazy about, and advice, some of which was helpful and a lot of which I had no intention of following.

On Wednesday morning, when the wee one awoke in Virginia (in a home that was unknown to him) I picked him up and gave him a hug and then I continued to hold him as I chatted with the aunt from Virginia we were staying with.  As we chatted, I noticed a squeaking sound coming from the wee one.  I looked at him, curiously, as I tried to figure out what was going on.

"He's grinding his teeth," my aunt said.

"What?"  It was the sound of nails on a blackboard, how could this be coming from this little person? 

"Yes, he has been grinding them since we picked him up."

The sound was so painful to hear.  Still not quite believing it, I put my fingers against his cheeks and I could feel his teeth moving away.  A trick from my yoga class, for relaxing a clenched jaw, came to me.  "Wee One?"  He looked at me. "Open your mouth like this."  He opened his mouth wide for me.  "Okay, we need to keep doing this, alright?"  He looked at me but, for a bit, the grinding stopped.  It became a thing we did often.  Whenever we came across people he did not know, the grinding would begin.  I would just say his name and open my mouth; he would follow suit and the grinding would cease.  This was the biggest indicator of the level of stress that he was under - most of the time he was quiet and obedient.  If he didn't grind his teeth, you could almost con yourself into believing that he was unaffected by everything that was going on. 

To keep up with the phone calls and the various things that I needed to do, I found the notebook above.  I put everyone's phone number in it, even the ones I knew by heart.  Under duress, the brain goes absolutely blank and in moments that are already panicked, trying to recall it all often results in more blank brain.  The cycle would go thus - the phone would ring and it would be, say, the hospital with an update on my aunt and questions about future plans.  I would take notes and tell them what I could.  Then, with the receiver still warm, the phone would ring again and it would be family with questions - Ask her this or ask them that.  I would tell them what I knew, remind them that my aunt was very ill and we needed to do what we could without stressing her out any more than she probably was already.  We had a woman who was sick and needed to get better and we had a mother who was worried about her son and feeling terrible for not being there for him.  It was our job to make sure that she knew that she had people and all she needed to focus on was recovering.  Also, we had a hospital that took their patient's right to privacy very seriously and wished to keep me informed without violating that right.  I can't say this enough times - all the people from Virginia were incredibly understanding, helpful and friendly.  When I felt overwhelmed, they had calming words of advice.  When I felt useless, they let me know that I was doing okay.  When I was afraid of the outcome of all of this, they assured me that everything would be okay.  To leave my aunt behind in a strange place, alone, was a hugely difficult thing for me to do.  And my feelings were nothing compared to what I imagine she must have felt.  She was sick, and alone and had no idea what was going on and when and how it would all end.  And through it all there was the wee one. 

Everything that was going on had him fleeing into a shell of quiet.  He did not speak much most of the time - driving back to Brooklyn, it took a few hours before he was relaxed, smiling and reading route signs.  But his teeth grinding was a painful indicator and at other times, he would look really angry.  It's funny, but you could almost actually see the dark clouds above his head when a wave of anger came over him.  I couldn't blame him, for he was taking everything incredibly well.  I was impressed that he very rarely showed anger and mostly that anger came in missiles being thrown at people he believed I was going to leave him with.  Boy does he have a great arm!  Perhaps a future in baseball awaits him.  All of that said, the ride back to Brooklyn involved no tantrums, only a little teeth grinding and a whole lot of adorable big eyes and chipmunk cheeks!  You take one look at that face and you just have to hug him!

Sidebar

yesterday i was heading home and waiting on the subway platform for my train.  a confused-looking woman approached me hesitatingly to ask if "this train stops at 42nd Street."  because many trains stop at many parts of 42nd street and that does not necessarily mean that train is stopping where you wish to go, i asked her where she was trying to go.  "i was just told that i needed to get on the 7 train to queens."  i consulted my handy subway map (i always like to be sure before i give directions, as i have no sense of said direction) and i confirmed that she was indeed in the right place.  she still looked frustrated, so i said - are you new to the subway? "yes!" was the response and a grimace that told me that she was not enjoying any of the benefits of public transportation.
"i'm just going through a lot right now," she continued and then i noticed that she was fighting back tears.

now, for the past few weeks, i have had an overwhelming feeling that the world needs more hugs.  a very simplistic approach to everything but my simple heart looks out and sees how easily people throw out their anger but it is so so hard to give a hug... especially to a stranger.  in recent times, often i think of my dear blog buddy dodo and imagine that right now i could send many hugs and more.  dodo's wonderful images convey such emotion, reflective of the roller coaster ride we are on right now.

the lady on the train sat down next to me and sniffed.  i smiled at her and then looked into my bag and rifled around a bit.  i found what i was looking for.

i handed her a tissue and then we were at her stop.  i wished her good luck and sent her a virtual hug.  maybe the world is not quite ready for random stranger hugs, but i think we could handle more smiles and virtual *hugs*

now i want to dance too! 

Yes, I mean No, I mean Yes!

during the wee one and my wednesday drive from virginia, hidef was at work, organising for life with a wee one.  wonderful and generous friends gave clothes, toys and advice.  he was tireless and supportive, checking up on us as the day went on.  his big project was to find emergency childcare services for the wee one.  i had to go back to work on thursday morning, as did hidef, and we decided that, at three years old, the wee one was not quite old enough to be left to his own devices for an entire work day.  this project turned out to be pretty challenging.  daycare centers, at least the ones near us, are not big on emergency care and some places needed us to have all kinds of paperwork that would prove that we were valid caregivers and not crazy kidnappers.  fortunately, hidef was able to organise a babysitter for the next morning.  she was due to arrive at 8am, so we could head out to work.  it was a relief to arrive, at close to midnight, to find a wonderful bed for the wee one and a plan for the next day.

because we live in a new york apartment, the wee one's bed was set up in the living room (where it would fit) and i slept on the couch, so i could be right there, in case the wee one needed anything.  who knew driving could be so exhausting?  the alarm went off at 7 am and i was still tired, but it was time to go.  i was barely stretching out my cramped muscles when hidef's phone rang.  he was in the bedroom so i could not make out what he was saying but a few seconds later he popped his head into the living room and said, "the babysitter just cancelled.  she says she had another commitment that she had forgotten about."

i am sure that real parents always have a plan b and maybe even plans c and d but we had the one emergency plan that we had been so proud of.  what to do now?  the wee one was very well-behaved but i get antsy at work, how would a 3 year old deal with being cooped up in a boring office all day?  i did not want to find out.  but what could we do?  who could we call?  hidef sent a text to one of his daddy friends and we waited for a response while trying to think of other people who might be able to help.  there had been some of my aunt's friends who had initially offered help but (i don't blame them) seemed overwhelmed by the idea of taking care of a child and had withdrawn their offers.  the 7 am woman called back and offered to send a friend but we no longer trusted her and, even though we did not yet have back up, declined.  i mean, how could we trust our wee one with someone who had started out so unreliable?  the phone beeped - a text from the daddy friend.  he sent us a number that his children's nanny had given him.  we called and a wonderfully friendly woman offered her daughter's services.  relieved, we accepted and waited for her to arrive.

i was already late for work but at least i knew i had a plan.  the wee one was awake by now so we got him cleaned up and ready for the day.  i had a talk with him, telling him that he was going to spend the day with a babysitter but that i would be back after work, i promise.  he had seen so many faces over the past couple of days, i wanted to assure him that my face was going to be a regular one.  hidef and he started playing with toy trains - the wee one LOVES trains - while we waited for the sitter to arrive.  finally she arrived i opened the front door and welcomed her in.  a second later, she was dodging the train that the wee one sent flying towards her head.  i was impressed by her reflexes, impressed by the wee one's strength and aim, a little afraid that we had just scared off the sitter and very surprised by the intensity of the wee one's reaction.  he had seemed so game about spending the day with a sitter.  to our relief, the sitter laughed it off, stating that having a little brother had taught her how to dodge missiles.  whew.

the sitter then started asking us questions that we had no answers to - was he potty trained? well he was wearing a diaper when i picked him up, so i assumed so.  did he nap and, if so, at what time?  i had no idea - he has slept most of the drive over but that may have been because we were driving.  did he have any allergies?  no clue.  was he on any medications?  you know, we only just picked him up yesterday so we were not sure but, since no one had given us any medications, we assumed not.  she took all of this in without showing any shock (she would make a great poker player) and told us that it was all not a problem. 

i bid the wee one goodbye for the day, let the sitter know to call me for anything at all, and rushed out to work.  it turns out the sitter had a great poker face - she told the daddy friend's nanny that hidef and i had no idea what we were doing.  she was pretty correct.  at least we had gotten the sitter (someone who had an idea) right?

Ease on Down the Road...

i woke up early, the next morning, for i had errands to run before hitting the road to get back to new york.  my previous forced vacation had used up the few sanctioned days one tends to get in these united states, so i had to be back at work the day after.  the wee one was still asleep so i headed out to a store close by to pick up a car seat for the ride back.  who could have known that something as simple as a car seat could come in so many varieties?  but look - one was on sale.  it was pink but i decided that boy and girl colours are a useless social construct and, if i was wrong, one day in a pink seat could not possibly ruin a 3 year-old's life forever.  pink it was.  i took the seat out to the parking lot and pulled out installation directions that appeared to have been designed by ikea.  There were pictures and words and neither made any sense.  i generally consider myself to be an intelligent person - i have even been known to successfully assemble ikea furniture- but this car seat made a dummy out of me.  i ended up ditching the instructions and weaving seat belts through gaps and hooking hooks to other hooks until the seat felt as though it would not fly out of the car. 

i drove back to virginia aunt's place and found that the wee one was awake and eating breakfast.  he looked up at me and my heart melted.  his big eyes were so expressive.  he was such a cutie.  my virginia aunt had told me how he had been upset to be taken from his mom and freaked out but calmed down when he was told that i was coming to get him.  i was impressed at his memory.  remember, i told you how terrible i had been at keeping in touch - thank goodness he was such a forgiving young man.  he wasn't really talking and i couldn't blame him.  there was a lot going on and none of us could really explain it.  so, instead, we talked finishing breakfast and packing his things.  virginia aunt checked the car seat - i was shocked to discover that the seat was okay.  it turns out that, instructions be damned, all you have to do is make sure the seat is secure and you're good.  we were good to go.  the wee one was strapped in and we had the directions home programmed into the gps.

of course, the phone rang.  it was the camp my aunt had been at when she had taken ill - somehow my aunt's wallet had been forgotten; could i come and pick it up.  it was an hour in the opposite direction but it was still early and i was curious to see what this place was like.  it is totally nonsensical but emotions are not about what makes sense.  i say this because i got there and it was a regular old camp.  there was no ominous music playing and there were no zombies (that i saw, at least).  we picked up the wallet then, like a mystical power that works outside human understanding, my phone rang.  it was my aunt, from the hospital.  i had tried to call the hospital earlier but, as i was not my aunt's spouse or guardian, they would not tell me anything about her.  i was incredibly relieved to hear her voice - she sounded tired, but that was completely understandable.  i was able to see her before heading back to new york.

we drove from the camp into town, found a parking spot near the hospital, fed the parking meter and then i took the wee one's hand and we walked into the hospital.  we visited with my aunt for a little over an hour until i remembered that the parking meter had run out.  in a panic i jumped out and we exchanged a tearful "see you soon".  then the wee one and i dashed back to the car.  it was actually a bit of fun for us both.

with the wee one strapped back in the car seat, it was time for us to head back home.  we had a long drive ahead of us and i was trying to get us home at a decent hour.  all was going well for the first couple of hours - my plan was to drive as far as washington d.c., stop for gas and a meal and then carry on to new york.  i had not factored in hitting washington d.c. right at the evening rush hour.  entering d.c. the gps told us that we would arrive in new york before nine pm; d.c. added an extra hour and a half to the ride home.  it was while we were stuck in traffic that i noticed that i was low on gas and it was also then that the wee one woke up and asked when we would stop for food.  i couldn't blame him, i was getting hungry myself.  i am really impressed at how patient he was with me - i can be extremely cranky when hungry but he sat and read numbers off route signs with me.  finally we got out of traffic, found a highway exit and refueled ourselves and the car.

the ride home went without incident until we were on the verrazano bridge, a mere 7 miles from home.  it was almost midnight at this point and traffic was not moving. we were on this bridge for 20 minutes - a 20 minutes that feels like an hour when you are tired and so close to home that you can almost smell it.  then... it was over.  we parked, hidef came out to meet us and help us with luggage and the three of us went inside.

what a lovely surprise!  hidef had made a little bed for the wee one, with two companions for him - a little tiger and a little lion.  we dressed him up in pyjamas, laid him down next to his new friends and he fell asleep almost immediately.  another long day for all of us.  now that we were home, what next?

It's a Wee One!

i clicked over to the Deputy Sheriff, my heart in my mouth.  he spoke too slowly for my racing mind, as he introduced himself and confirmed that i was family.  the trick question that he asked was - can you describe your cousin's (it was not the time to correct him on the relationship) son.  "he has these big eyes and cute cheeks and he's three. he is so small."  i write this down and i have no idea how the guy accepted this as a valid identification; i'm guessing that he heard something in my voice.  then, relief.  they had found my aunt and the wee one and both were safe.  however, he continued, my aunt was doing so well and he was thinking they may have to send her to the hospital.  he was just a policeman and so he was not going to make that decision but, he wanted to know, was there any family close by that the wee one could go to while his mother was being taken care of.  i thought of a friend, but he was too far away.  then i remembered another aunt (related on another side of the family) who had moved to virginia and, luckily for us all, she lived about an hour away from some spot in virginia.  i hung up and called her, and caught her just as she was getting up.  i hurriedly explained what was going on - could she take the wee one until i was able to show up and take over?  of course, she said, without hesitation.  she just had to find a friend to drive over with.  there was a back and forth of calls - deputy sheriff, me, my virginia aunt, verifications of arrangements and identifications.

at the same time, hi def woke up and found me pacing around the apartment - well it was more walking in tight circles because i live in a new york apartment.  but i was hectic.  i was putting my work bags together and talking and thinking i was thinking.  i got off a call and he asked what was going on.  i tried to talk and my voice broke.  ten seconds of tears later, i pulled myself together and told him what i knew so far.  "so, what are you going to do?"  "i told the policeman that i was coming to virginia to pick up the wee one."  "so what are you doing now?"  he was looking at me in my suit with my bags. "i don't know."  i was in auto mode, doing what was familiar.  "ok, let's talk about this and try to figure it out."  you see, it would have been easier if some idiot in a van hadn't decided to mess up our car.  the car was in the repair shop and everyone seemed to be taking their time about sorting that mess out.  i had to find an alternative.  i pulled out the computer to start looking for something.  the phone rang again.

the hospital people had shown up and decided that my aunt needed treatment - they were not yet sure what was going on but they needed to help her.  she was worried about the wee one, of course, so they needed to be sure i was coming - yes, i assured them, i was on my way.  the deputy sheriff was calling with his updates. i was calling car rental spots to see if they had anything for me that i could use immediately.  hi def was keeping me calm, helping find car rental prices and getting me to write lists (i am so bad at those). 

finally i was on my way - it was an 8 hour drive, according to the gps, but it took over an hour to just get out of the city - rush hour.  but, i had coffee and i was good to go.  the woman from the hospital called to let me know that my aunt was at the hospital and being assessed.  the deputy sheriff called to let me know the same.  during my drive, my virginia aunt called to let me know that she had picked up the wee one, taken him out to lunch and they were headed home to wait for me.  my aunt's friend called and i let her know that i was on my way out to virginia.  i passed a huge fire that had shut down the highway; thankfully it was the other side of the highway.  i drove on without delay. 

it was close to midnight when i got to my virginia aunt's place.  a day that seems so long sometimes can just rush by in an instant - dealing with the phone calls, the rentals, the rush hour traffic just swallowed up the day.  oh and it started raining, which slowed me down a little.  but i was there.  i hugged my aunt and she took me into her bedroom - the wee one was asleep.  so so cute.  and so so tiny.  it was time to go to bed - tomorrow promised to be a long day too.

What I Wanna Do Right Now Is Go Back...

my aunt.  a little background here.  in 2000, after an awesome celebration of the new millennium, i moved to the united states.  i flew in to boston and moved in with my brother in worcester, the armpit of massachusetts.  i was embarking on a completely new phase in my life and i had the option to start it wherever i pleased.  the story of how new york ended up being the choice is another story but it includes a bus ride to new york, on the invitation of an uncle who lived in new jersey.  he believed that new york was the best place for me to find work, so i had agreed to spend the weekend with him so he could convince me.  the bus arrived at the port authority as i stepped off the bus, i was overwhelmed by the hugeness of the place.  there were so many buses and doors and people.  oh and it was nighttime on a friday night.  i looked around and had no idea how i was expected to find anyone.  i stood around for a bit.  nothing.  i found a pay phone and tried to call my uncle.  voicemail.  i waited a little longer and tried to call him again.  voicemail.  this cycle was repeated until a couple of hours had gone by and i was out of quarters.  what was i to do.

although the port authority of 2000 was a much friendlier place than the port authority of 1990, it was still a rather intimidating space for a jenny-come-lately with no sense of direction and no plan b.  what was i to do?  i sat at the top of one of many stairwells and tried to come up with an idea.  a young man walked up to me and asked me what i was doing.  according to him, he had seen me and could tell that i was in trouble - i looked very confused.  i explained that i had run out of quarters, was trying to find my uncle and had no plan b.  he happened to have a mobile phone and offered it to me.  "try to call him again," the young man said.  voicemail. "don't you know anyone else in new york?"
i shook my head, no, and sat back, defeated.  what to do, what to do... but wait! i remembered that a few months earlier, an aunt had called me.  and aunt i had not spoken in to many many years, maybe more than ten.  i remembered that she had mentioned that she was living in new york.  could this be true.  i paged through my little notebook and showed the number to the young man.  yes, he confirmed, that was a new york number.  it was almost midnight but i was desperate.  i called the number and waited.  the most welcome voice in history answered and insisted that i come over immediately.  she took me in and made room for me.  i ended up staying with her for the weekend and, when i decided to move to new york, she let me stay with her for several months, while i sorted myself out. 

she is my family in new york.  but, we lived in different neighbourhoods and i, for one, got busy with work and life in general and i was not keeping in touch as well as i should.  i had been there for this awesome arrival and we had spent christmas together.  we also spent a little time hanging out when my mother was around but i really had no idea what was going on with her.  and then there was that call from the deputy sheriff.

Voices

On the morning of 28 June, I woke up at 5 am, as has become my very uncivilised habit, and set out for my morning run.  It was a pretty good run; it was cool and not too humid and I walked back into the house feeling very good about the day ahead.  I picked up my phone to check on the weather so I could make final decisions about my clothes for the day.  To my surprise, I had several missed calls and two voice messages on my phone.  I almost never check voicemail - I prefer to just call the person back so we can have a conversation - but the obscenely early hour made me curious.  Who was calling me at this time of day and why? 

I started out with a number I did not recognise.  I pressed play and I heard, "Good morning, Pandave, this is Deputy Sheriff from some spot in Virginia.  We are trying to locate some information on your cousin.  She is possibly missing from a location down here in Virginia and we're just trying to get some information on her.  Please give me a call back."

Whatever I may have been expecting when I pressed play, that was not on the list.  My cousin (who is actually my aunt) lives in New York, so I was really confused.  Why would she be in Virginia?  She has a three year-old son, why hadn't the Deputy Sheriff mentioned him?  Where was the son?  As my not-really-awake brain tried to process this, I dialed the phone number that the Deputy Sheriff had left me.  I got his voicemail.  Then I listened to the second message on my phone - it was my aunt's friend, asking me to call her back.  So I did.  I got her voicemail.  Panic.

I started pacing and trying to figure out what to do.  Well I thought I was trying to figure out what to do, but how can you figure when you know next to nothing.  It was so early in the morning and I couldn't even begin to try to imagine what was going on.  Should I try the Deputy Sheriff's number again?  Should I try to be patient and wait for him to return my call?  What was going on?

My phone rang.  It was my aunt's friend.  What she knew was that my aunt had gone out to Virginia to a summer camp that was run by a church.  The previous night, my aunt had been on the phone with her friend and sounding a little frantic and confused.  She was not clear, but my aunt believed that she was in danger.  At some point in the evening, the sequence of events was fuzzy, the police arrived at the camp and my aunt and her son were missing.  The police were searching for her and were trying to figure out what happened.  Before I could ask my aunt's friends any questions, my phone beeped.  It was the Deputy Sheriff calling me back.