Is That You John Wayne? Is This Me?

years ago i was looking for a job and a headhunter called me. none that is appropriate in the workplace, i responded. of course, that was before i met oscar. so he advised me to get one. why? i wondered. well, he said, something nice and american like Mary or Susan. why would i do that, again i wondered. turns out that, according to this man, most companies wouldn't hire me with my name. apparently it is too intimidating to a hirer to come across a name that is new to them. qualifications be damned, companies are willing to run their companies into the ground before they hire someone whose name they might have to learn to pronounce. perhaps if my name were Axkilling McMassmurderer, i may have considered this suggestion. instead, after telling this headhunter where to get off, i carried on with my life, for a few years.

then i was back on the job market and decided to try something out. i posted my resume and applied to jobs using two resumes. both were identical except one had pandave's name at the top and the other had susan's. within days susan had been contacted by several companies; pandave was ignored. not a single call. completely forgotten. pandave started to wonder how she would feel if susan was hired. how would pandave feel about ceasing to exist (at least from 9 to 5 and at holiday parties)? how would pandave feel about having to cover up her dreadlocks with a straight-haired "work-appropriate" wig. how long would it be before pandave ripped of the wig, jumped onto her desk and screamed "my name is not susan!"

so pandave annihilated susan before susan destroyed pandave. the working relationship had turned sour. pandave was becoming bitter and her self-confidence was eroding.

and now i am thinking of putting my resume out there and the ghost of susan whispers in pandave's ear. she shakes her head and says "i don't need you susan. pandave can do and be herself."
"i see," susan whispers, her wig tickling pandave's neck, "i'll stick around, just in case."

Be Still My Beating Heart...

i am in love. have been for a while so i know it must be real. i shouldn't be - he's no good for me but i know that to have him will bring me untold joy. he stands behind the glass and flirts with me. when i have begun to convince myself that i can do without him, that i can move on and forget him, he comes back to taunt me with his wonderful features. i can imagine stroking his smooth face and making all kinds of magical things happen. he is so beautiful and probably full of things i don't really need and yet my heart yearns to have him in my life. i have waited for months and months; waited to see if this is what i really want. the feelings grow stronger.

ipod touch, how and why do you do this to me? you know i don't need you, why do you make me want you? and as i turn away you hit me in my achilles heel. how can i resist your song?

"music is my boyfriend
music is my girlfriend
music is my daddy
music's my imaginary friend"

Can You See Me?

ok. so they have these fluorescent green pigs. but that's so yesterday's news because that happened a couple of years ago and, well they have glow in the dark fish and rabbits and god only knows what else. apparently all it takes is a little fluorescent protein and your world is an awesomely lit disco. i am not sure how fluorescent green proteins are made but i am sure it is all totally safe, or else the scientists wouldn't do it.

but the news news is that one of pigs had piglets and the piglets have glow in the dark powers too. i mean, they're not as cool as their mom; they only glow from their snouts, ears and trotters. that said though, it's still a savings in fluorescent green protein. recycling! being green is all the rage, don't you know?

but this is not just about how to be the coolest person under the strobe lights. it turns out that glow-in-the-dark piglets are the first step to breeding pigs for human transplant organs. and that's fine. we can multi-task. save lives while making life more awesome!

We Want The Funk!

yesterday i took my first bikram yoga class. i had heard about it, i had read about it and i had thought - hmmm... it would be nice to go one day. so i suppose yesterday was that day. first thing that hit me when i got into the studio? the funk. okay maybe the heat hit me first. but it was like a split second later when i thought - wow it's kinda funky in here. funky like my gym clothes the day after a super intense boxing class. sometimes i walk into the studio at the gym or at dance class and there is a shadow of this funk but let me tell you, at 100 degrees farenheit with no fans, body odour really gets the chance to come into its own. and then you know the first thing you have to do when you encounter this heat wall of human essence? breathe in deeply. over and over again.

and as i did i thought - so this is what they were thinking when they created funk. we want music so strong you can smell it. and... exhale.

Ok Ok I'm Going To Bed Now

i told myself i was going to ignore it all. i was going to stay out of it. i was going to watch sponge bob square pants. but then cnn was describing the rules of the iowa caucus and boy do people like to make everything complicated. you'd think all you had to do was vote for who you want but no... the throw in percentages and people standing in rooms and moving to the corner of their favourite candidate. and then some people get to vote again - which is kinda cool. i would so totally vote for the underdog just so i could say i got to vote twice in one election. looking at all of that i don't know why all of iowa isn't out voting tonight. it's just so much fun and convoluted and barely able to be understood.

and then results started coming in and then i was riveted. there was a basketball game going on but this was more exciting. i mean, for a while there no one knew how it was all going to turn out. and now it has turned and, well wow. first, thank you huckabee for letting me see just how well chuck norris is aging. even though she came third, has any woman done as well as hillary clinton in any american presidential primary election? thank you john edwards you do help the election become a better looking place. but barack obama? you rock. but please come on and make your dramatic history-making win speech soon because it's almost past my bedtime. and thanks for getting cnn to mention kenya in their primary election coverage. i tell you that obama is working miracles in so many amazing ways. hear my request...
speech! speech! speech!!!

Two, Four, Six, Eight! Who Do We Appreciate?

i stand on subway platforms a lot; almost every day, actually. i stand and, as i am waiting for my train, i look at the tracks and wonder why people insist on throwing trash there. there are always trashcans on the platform, why do they have to chuck trash onto the tracks where it hangs about, seemingly forever. i also stand and wonder which track is electrified. i have watched several breakdance movies from the 80s and one thing that has stuck with me since (apart from the moves i am yet to master) is how dangerous the tracks are and how easy it appears to be to get electrocuted on said tracks. oh yes, and then you have the big as cats rats that live there. they hang about and stare me down until, with a shiver that still leaves me dirty, i turn away and try to think of something else.

many times over the last year i have thought about the subway hero. a man who jumped onto aforementioned filthy, electrified and vermined tracks to save a guy's life. oh, did i mention that there was a train bearing down on them, and that he had to then roll the guy under and lie on those, yes, filthy, electrified and vermined tracks? yeah. i think about him often and wonder if i could ever be so brave. i mean this hero lay on top of the guy and covered him with his body, to keep him safe from the passing train. he just acted; didn't think twice. then he went to work. i was telling my brother about him and my brother looked on the tracks. they weren't even looking so bad that day and, well, what can one say?

today is the first anniversary of this amazing rescue and i say hurrah for people like Wesley Autrey and if we can't have more people like him, maybe cleaner, animal free subway tracks (if we HAVE to have animals, we don't mind rabbits) and big signs right on the electrified tracks. ooh, ooh, and trains with really high clearance.