Rarified Air

i recently did a spot of travelling and i don't think i'll get used to it. i mean not until the travel industry starts behaving in a logical manner. i mean as though they realise that it is people, mostly paying people, travelling in their system, not their worst enemies, being pushed to their limits until they finally break and beg for mercy - if they can still be coherent at that point.

first, before you go anywhere - the restrooms? so you are at a place where you are probably lugging luggage around with you - even if it is just your carry-on, it still a substantial addition to your girth. and what do they give you? restrooms with door that open INWARDS so you have to squeeze yourself, your luggage AND THE DOOR into the tiny space that is already half full of lavatory.

i suppose it is to get you ready for you are going to spend the next two to twenty hours. in a seat designed for a twelve-year old aneorexic with leg room that is ample only if you are three feet tall. two people can't pass each other in the aisle and god forbid you need to go to the bathroom during the flight; it seems as though the whole plane has to stand up and get out of your way. so what was the thinking? let's create a wonderful invention that helps us travel long distances in little time. then, let's do everything we legally can to make it the worst experience of their lives. short of putting pins in the seats, the sky's the limit. and then, for a while, let's give them little things that make the experience almost bearable - such as minuscule pillows and blankets and meals and beverages. and just as the travellers become accustomed to this, let's take it all away and charge them $5 for a tiny packet of potato chips and another $5 for a drink to wash away the bitterness at being taken for a ride. and i can't even try to bring a free drink from home. no... security takes that away from me - it must be a conspiracy.

finally, those airlines that do not have in seat tv screens must be put on notice. seriously, giving people those neck-cramp and eye-strain inducing screens in the middle of the aisle that you can't focus on due to all the aisle traffic, the incredible distance you are from the tiny screen and the impractical placement of the screen, is just cruel and unusual punishment. and for all of that, as you creak your way out of the plane at the end of the ordeal the smiling stewards and air hostesses chirp "thank you for flying with us! come again soon!"

i say this - sadists of the world, do you wish to truly satisfy the need to bring pain and suffering? start an airline. all you need to do is waltz up and down the aisles and i guarantee the plight of the travellers will bring you satisfaction. guaranteed.