But I Don't Have A Thousand!!

i so wish i could draw, i really do.  because sometimes, something is in my head and it's not really a story one can tell as effectively as what i saw.  i know that just about 100% of the time, the movie is nowhere near as good as the book but sometimes an image can hit the spot just as well or better than the words.  enough with the waffle.  the moment.  the dream.

two nights ago i dreamt that noam chomsky was at the state of the union address, in disguise.  no one noticed him until the president introduced him.  and then all eyes were on him and there he was.  wearing his glasses and a huge fuzzy orange sweater.  he looked a little like the bear up there, but with noam chomsky in glasses in the middle.  apparently when wanting to go incognito, one should choose the most obnoxious piece of clothing one can find.  the audience began to boo (was it because of the sweater or because of noam?) and then security arrived to drag him off.  throughout the dream i kept thinking - why did he pick that sweater?

then i woke up and thought - what is going on inside my head??

What Happens When You Breathe

always always running is the story of my life.  i am running to get to the gym, running to get to work (who knows why one would rush to that?), running to get out of the rain, snow or to get to some sun before it disappears.  my parents were always saying, "hey, slow down!" i was rushing through a story, a meal or a book.  i could never tell you what i was rushing towards but i still hurtled a full speed.  and many times during the running, i would bump into him, coming in or out of our building.  usually he had a surf board and i would hold the door so he could get through and usually i was dressed in sweats, on my way to some kind of gym class where i worked to release the tensions i constantly accumulate in my shoulders.  i would pause and say, hey, while envying his surf board.  seriously, what is cooler than surfing?  sometimes i would make a little conversation, suggest that perhaps one day he could take me with him and teach me how to be as cool as he was.  he would say, sure, anytime but what time was that, especially since we didn't even have each other's phone numbers?  but it would be said and then i would get back to the rushing. 

then, in october 2007 my rushing was brought to a screeching halt by a doctor's scalpel.  for a little bit there, there was barely walking, let alone running.  two friends and my mother came to pick me up from the hospital and help me up to my fourth floor walk-up apartment.  as my friend helped me up the stairs, he opened his apartment door and saw me struggling.  the thought that popped into my head, "oh, no, he's going to think i'm super drunk and need to be carried home."  so i put on my biggest smile and said, "hi, i'm okay!"  later he told me that the hospital bracelet i was wearing was pretty obvious proof that drunk wasn't my problem.

later, i was able to gingerly walk outside and i bumped into him and he stopped to chat - he had started taking a yoga class and it was great and maybe once i felt a bit better, he could take me to try it out.  and this time he pulled out his phone so we could actually exchange information. i made a plan to take a bikram yoga class with hidef.

fast forward to 19 january, 2008.  we walked over to the yoga studio with me chattering away (nervous).  and just before we stepped into the yoga studio he warned me, "it will be really hot but you'll be okay."  i walked in and i thought, "forget hot, it stinks up in here!"  and so began the most unforgettable first date i have ever been on.  90 minutes later, i was drenched in sweat and had just finished a display of my tragic lack of flexibility.  and yet he wanted to hang out again.  and i was so looking forward to it. 

i still look forward to hanging out with hidef.  today we go out to celebrate 3 years together - with great tasting AND smelling food.  and the only stretching will be while purring like a cat and rubbing my full belly.  taking another moment to stop and breathe... aaaah!!

I Know I'm No Angel

it's been years, yet i think it will a while before i forget this.  i had a boyfriend and he had a couple of friends who were always in trouble.  we were in our early twenties - at that point in life where the expectation that we behave like adults was growing - but it seemed that they had not received the memo.  until one day, when we met up with them and they shared with us the various epiphanies they had recently had.  the nutshell was that they had found a church and a pastor who had convinced them to change their evil ways and would we celebrate with them by attending a prayer group with them?  well, i am always up to give support to those who have decided to try to be better and so we were all - sure, we have no plans for saturday that couldn't be put off. 

friday came along and we all went to this man's house for an evening of prayer and fellowship.  it was pretty standard and came with the bonus of bumping into an old high school friend i had not seen in years.  all went along in a pretty unremarkable way (and by that i mean i don't remember a single thing we discussed but i would hazard that it had to do with the bible) until the final prayer before the end of the night.  we stood up and held hands as the pastor began to pray.  i have found that, generally, closing my eyes during prayer is like giving my mind licence to do what it wants.  so, i kept my eyes open and worked to focus on the prayer, and this is what i was doing when it happened.

a woman standing opposite me in the circle of held hands fell forward, stiff as a tree.  it was like slow motion and yet i could not react.  by the time my brain had realised that she was hitting the floor, well, she was already face down on the floor.  then she rolled over and started writhing on the ground, hissing and appeared to start foaming at the mouth.  had we been, say, walking on the street or hanging out at work, i am sure that the first reaction probably would have been that she was having some kind of seizure.  however, the reaction of the pastor was to start shouting  orders to the devil to leave the young woman's body.  as he spoke, others in the room stepped towards the woman and some knelt to touch her as they repeated the pastor's exhortations.  not me.

i had flashbacks of the bible stories i learnt in my youth and the one that lodged itself in my mind was that of jesus casting evil spirits out of someone.  i remembered that when this had happened, the evil spirits had not simply vaporised and disappeared.  no siree bob.  they, instead, needed some place to go and, lucky for those witnessing the event, there were some hapless pigs hanging out nearby and that is where the evil spirits found their new home.  so, there i was, witnessing this scene and i thought to myself - hmmm... now, if this group manages to oust the evil spirits residing in this young lady, they need go someplace?  where will that be?  everyone else here may be fully confident about their resistance to evil and ability to fend off the spirits but me? not so much.  and i really don't want to have to deal with what could happen were to i to be possessed - that lady's drop to the ground did not look fun at all.

so... i stepped back.  and then i took another step back, just to be safe.  you know, i'm not saying that i believed that the woman was being possessed; i'm just saying i wasn't taking any chances.

Stir It Up, Little Darlin'... Then Burn It Up!

so there i was, people dropping like flies around me, as i stood strong. it was the flu, it was some kind of chest infection, it was the sinuses and i sailed strong. i was the nurse, the chef, the courier. hidef, in particular, was really ill. he was miserable and barely functional and, most of all, shocked that i did not catch what he had. i had no time for that for there were holidays to deal with - people to entertain and dinners to host. i did take a moment to marvel at my immunity of steel; my parents must have let me eat a lot of dirt in my youth. and then the gods punished me for my hubris. so i was stopped in mid-stride by a fever and a cough. so, gods, forgive me. i am weak and fallible and losing my pride.

BUT! what i meant to say before i was knocked out... the year came to and end and the talk on the street was all about resolutions - what were we going to do to make ourselves better, stronger, faster? or something along those lines. but i remembered something that snowycage told me about that i really like. i would love to take this idea as my own, but that would probably lead to more punishment from the gods (they don't play). here goes - we have completed a year, a year that was probably a year of joy and pain, of triumph and defeat and a lovely mix of good and bad. it is human nature to carry all of this with us - our baggage, that gets heavier as time goes by. as humans, we tend to hold on to the weighty bad more tightly than to the lighter good - the negative energy builds around us, creating dark clouds, narrowing our view of the world, blocking out any light of hope. instead of working out, we dig deeper into the hole or we tire and buckle under the load. well, it is time to say no more!!! let us shed the loads! let us dance into 2011, unburdened and fairy footed!

sit, or stand, or headstand (if you so wish) and make a list. list what burdens you. write out what brought you down in 2010 (or even during the week i was paying for my immunity arrogance). put it all down - don't edit, don't hold back, don't be coy. this is your list. this is your honesty. this is your time. take that list and read it. see your weight, the heft of your past. and then...

burn it.

matches, lighter, flint and stick, whatever. watch it burn and let it go. and resolve only to leave everything right there in the ashes.

ahhhhh....