The More Things Change...

A few weeks ago I went out to dinner with some friends and somehow, talk of Zimbabwean handmade paper came up. Hidef had many questions about it and wondered if he could print some of his photos on this paper (he is always on the lookout for new media for his images). I told him that I was sure that I had some of this paper at home - it may the the rule that any self-respecting Zimbabwean worth their salt must own some Zimbabwean handmade paper.

After searching the bookshelf, I found a notebook that, according to the first entry, I received as a gift on 23 December 1998. I made the entry at 7:54 PM. I am not sure why I made a note of that but it seemed important at the time. Judging also, from the entries, even back then I was not a daily journal writer.  Back then on as the year closed out I wrote down some "Proposed Resolutions"

• Get Fit - get a flat tummy (I still try to get fit, mostly so that I can finish well the races that I now run)
• Get a great new job
• Get a company car (A very Zimbabwean concept. No longer a thing here in NYC)
• Get organised - get focused. (Always a work in progress though, in many ways, I think I'm better. Then again it may just be what I tell myself in order to get by)
• Carpe Diem! (Still a philosophy I try to follow)
• Get a better flat (I think I wanted a garden. I still do)
• Have fun (YES YES YES!)

On later days in January 1999, I did also add that I must "learn to be not so tired so I can meditate without falling asleep". I read this out to hidef who tells me that the one thing I don't do well is relax, and he laughed and laughed and laughed. I do try though - I now have an official bedtime and that is a step in the right direction. I don't always get to bed on time but at least I have a goal that I strive toward attaining.

I think the analysis of the proposed resolutions and what happened is that, at the Pandave Resolution Board Meeting, I decided to focus on "Carpe Diem" and have fun and let the rest look out for itself. I mean, really, if you aren't enjoying your life and making the most of it, what are you doing??

Stir It Up, Little Darlin'... Then Burn It Up!

so there i was, people dropping like flies around me, as i stood strong. it was the flu, it was some kind of chest infection, it was the sinuses and i sailed strong. i was the nurse, the chef, the courier. hidef, in particular, was really ill. he was miserable and barely functional and, most of all, shocked that i did not catch what he had. i had no time for that for there were holidays to deal with - people to entertain and dinners to host. i did take a moment to marvel at my immunity of steel; my parents must have let me eat a lot of dirt in my youth. and then the gods punished me for my hubris. so i was stopped in mid-stride by a fever and a cough. so, gods, forgive me. i am weak and fallible and losing my pride.

BUT! what i meant to say before i was knocked out... the year came to and end and the talk on the street was all about resolutions - what were we going to do to make ourselves better, stronger, faster? or something along those lines. but i remembered something that snowycage told me about that i really like. i would love to take this idea as my own, but that would probably lead to more punishment from the gods (they don't play). here goes - we have completed a year, a year that was probably a year of joy and pain, of triumph and defeat and a lovely mix of good and bad. it is human nature to carry all of this with us - our baggage, that gets heavier as time goes by. as humans, we tend to hold on to the weighty bad more tightly than to the lighter good - the negative energy builds around us, creating dark clouds, narrowing our view of the world, blocking out any light of hope. instead of working out, we dig deeper into the hole or we tire and buckle under the load. well, it is time to say no more!!! let us shed the loads! let us dance into 2011, unburdened and fairy footed!

sit, or stand, or headstand (if you so wish) and make a list. list what burdens you. write out what brought you down in 2010 (or even during the week i was paying for my immunity arrogance). put it all down - don't edit, don't hold back, don't be coy. this is your list. this is your honesty. this is your time. take that list and read it. see your weight, the heft of your past. and then...

burn it.

matches, lighter, flint and stick, whatever. watch it burn and let it go. and resolve only to leave everything right there in the ashes.

ahhhhh....