Quit Complaining!

You know what the big news story is today?  No, silly, it's not about how people are recovering from floods, tsunamis, earthquakes and tornadoes!  It has nothing to do with unemployment, the high cost of education or injustices against the poor.  I am sure some people you have come across mention things like this but, when they do, you can now tell them that those things can't possibly be important.  They can't be because they are not the big news story.  Let me tell you the big news story.

So there is this guy who works for the government.  Not just any government job; he has one of those cushy jobs that pays you almost $200,00 a year, gives you a pension and health insurance for life.  When I say health insurance, I don't mean the kind where they ask for your insurance card so they can see just how well they can treat. No siree bob, this kind of health insurance is the kind where the best specialists rush to your side and declare loudly the Hippocratic Oath as they pull all the stops to make you better than new.  So, this guy, whose job gives him 2 months of vacation time, compared to the whopping 10 days I and many others get from our jobs (15 if you stay for 7 years!), also gets to work Tuesday through Thursday.  Tuesday through Thursday because, technology being what it is, they require Monday and Friday to travel to the nation's capital for work... And here I am complaining about my daily commute that takes almost an hour each day.

He has this great job and actually championed some noble causes, like healthcare for all, and earned the respect of many for standing up to lobbyists.  It turns out that, for all the good things he does while working, from Tuesday through Thursday, he does not make such smart choices during his considerable free time.  Apparently, perhaps during that long long (like a day long) ride from New York to D.C., he seeks out young women online and is all like, "Hey, my name is Weiner, do you want to see my weiner, hehehe?"  And then he sends photos of things that go bump in his pants, as well as photos of his bare, rather scrawny, chest.

This is the news!  We are outraged!  We are betrayed!  This man is destroying our society with is chicken chest and grey undies and now we need therapy and a day off to try to come to terms with it all.  Bring out the pundits to tell us how terrible he is and how this will affect our lives, our nation, our world.  Perchance he is the reason for the floods, earthquakes, tsunamis and tornadoes.  If it weren't for him, there would be no poverty and we wouldn't need healthcare for we would all be well.  So, you see, this is why this is the top story.  We report and resolve this and everything else will be okay.