I Can Has Outsourcing?

So the other day I heard a tale of a rather resourceful man. So, there he was, Bob, as we shall call him, working for Verizon. Well, not just working for Verizon but being the most productive guy in his department. He would come in every day and sit quietly at his desk, staring at his computer screen, apparently programming away like no one else in his department. Looks can be deceiving, Verizon has discovered.

First, Verizon thought they had been hacked. Someone was logging into their computer system from China and they were logging in as Bob, yet Bob was sitting at his desk in the United States. So Verizon called in the investigators and the investigators found that the Chinese connection was a daily event. They looked into it further and the truth became evident - Bob was paying a company in China to do his work. He paid this company a fifth of his salary and, in return, the company made Bob the most productive person in his office. In the meantime, Bob had 8 hours a day of free time. What to do with all this free time, what to do...

Now, this is where I get offended by it all. The guy had figured out a way to have more time to himself and what did he do with all that time? Watch Cat Videos. Yes, that was not me mistyping - he used his free time to watch cat videos. What are cat videos? Well there are people who spend their days filming their cats doing what they believe are amazing or funny things. Bob would spend his days watching these videos. All day. Every day.

At least he took an hour and a half lunch. 

Oh Say You Cannot See

It was last week Friday, the day the Olympics began. Having forgotten about the time difference, I was panicked when I received a news alert about the opening ceremony when I still had an hour at the office to go. A crazed google search yielded the information that the event would be time delayed but would be shown in its entirety. Whew.

I was ready with dinner and drinks when the Danny Boyle extravaganza began. It was lights, music and dance all the way. I have enjoyed Danny's films and so I was looking forward to seeing what he would do with this event that brings the world together. Yet, as I sat in front of my television, I found myself a touch confused. Why?

Well, you know how sometimes you go to the movies and there people sitting near you and they talk throughout the show. They give spoilers, explain the most self-explanatory moments, and make you miss things because they speak over dialogue. You know those people and how you just want to hit them and tell them to shut up? Well, that was the NBC TV staff. I didn't get it. Being that the Olympics were being held in the England, home of English, and being that the event had narrators, I don't know why NBC felt the overwhelming need to explain everything, often drowning out what was going on at the ceremony. And the "information" that the TV station people shared with us served only to rile me up. As the parade of nations happened, the American commentators felt it was their duty to share information on each announced nation. As Uganda came into the stadium the commentator remarked that Winston Churchill called Uganda the pearl of Africa. Then, "of course Churchill never met Idi Amin." WHAT? Put aside the fact that the Olympics are hardly the place for such negative talk, obviously this guy has never heard the saying, 'judge not lest ye be judged' or the thing in the bible about removing the log from ones eye before trying to get a speck out of someone else's. I mean, forget the UK, is the US the sinless beacon of sunshine and butterflies in the grand history of the world?

For all the things I did see, what I discovered the following morning about what we were not given the opportunity to see really got my goat. It turns out that NBC decided to cut an entire segment out of the opening ceremony. It was a segment dedicated to those who were no longer with us and included a photo memorial of people who had passed away (7/7 victims and others) and a dance routine. It was a touching segment and we did not get to see it. When asked NBC came up with many excuses, none of which passed muster. One was that they felt it was not relevant to the American viewing public. We had been promised ALL the Olympics, who were they to decide what we did or didn't want to watch? Another excuse was that the segment had been edited out for time. Turns out that was not true. For, during the time that the segment was on, we were subjected to a terrible interview of Michael Phelps that was a total non sequitur to everything else going on. Not only that but the interview was longer than the segment that we did not get to see.

So for all the promises that were made, I found myself wanting to throw things at my television. Instead of coming home to watch the opening ceremony as Danny Boyle intended it, I had worst Big Brother in the world showing me that this is not at all the Land of the Free.
GRRRR!!!!

Look Out Now

The Affordable Care Act or Obamacare (always said with a sneer in your voice) is making news all over the place. The issue even made its way to the Supreme Court and yet folk won't keep going on about how terrible it is - even though it has not happened. There are experts telling us that it will save money and other experts telling us that it will leave us broke. There are people declaring that almost every doctor in America will quit but this report is based on the nearly 700 (out of 36,000) doctors who actually responded to the fax. This in a nation of over half a million doctors. But I digress.

So when asked about what he was going to do, the senate minority leader who, if you ask me, looks a lot like Angela Lansbury (but is not) declared that their goal is not to ensure that 30 million uninsured people have health care coverage but instead, their goal is to improve the health care system. This health care system, he said, is already the best in the world but they want to make it even better. But not just make it better, make it better while reducing costs and increasing individual liberty. I had no idea that health care was about individual liberty, but there you go. Did I mention that this guy and his coworkers have access to some pretty awesome health care benefits? Nothing but the best for them!

My lesson continued. Word is that spreading the health care coverage is going to cost the currently insured even more because they are going to have to pay for the uninsured. And yet, I thought this was already the case because when the uninsured go to hospital emergency rooms, they can't be turned away and, when they can't pay, the hospital has to find someone who will. My money was always on the insured but it may have been a health fairy all along and this health fairy will go on strike if more people have more equitable access to health care.

And this is how it makes sense for how else can people know that they are special? So we must, we must make the best health care even better and make it so those 30 million uninsured feel even worse about themselves for not being able to afford it. It is obviously something they must have done to not be able to have access to the best (getting even better). They obviously don't deserve to live and, if they try to, they should just feel as crummy as possible about it.

Just In Case You Were Lost

I went to a football match a while ago where the United States played against Argentina. Often during the game, the chant would rise up through the stands, "USA! USA!" I also went to watch the United States play against Brazil and again that chant was almost deafening, "USA! USA!" It mostly made sense - I thought it would be nice to have a song that folk could sing but the chant worked.

Then Osama bin Laden was killed and people gathered somewhere in the city and the chant came again, "USA! USA!" It seemed odd that a chant that was great for a sporting event was also suitable for the announcement of the death of a tyrant, and yet, apparently, it was.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, I was watching the Yankees playing baseball, aka America's pastime and the crowd broke into this chant, "USA! USA!" I was confused because the American baseball league is very American. Though they hold a "World Series", it appears that the invitations get lost in the mail because only the American teams show up. I mean there are two leagues, the American League and the National League, but both refer to the United States of America. So, what was going on? Why was the crowd chanting?

Ah! They were playing the Toronto Blue Jays, the only team in the entire league that is based outside the United States and even then, it is barely outside and I doubt they come to games as representatives of Canada. Was this really necessary? "Let's go Yankees didn't cut it, all of a sudden?" I mean it is pro-sport, not a contest pitting nations against each other.

No matter, last Sunday I headed out to Yankee Stadium to watch a football match. Chelsea was playing an exhibition game against Paris Saint Germain. It was exciting and, as I stood outside the stadium, many fans passed by singing the team songs and I smiled. I said to Hidef, "this is great! No chance of people chanting 'USA'. America is not playing today."

Of course I jinxed it. Halfway through the first half, in the stands to the right of me, a group of fans (and I used that word very loosely) broke out in the chant, "USA! USA!" WHAT? WHY?HOW?
My brain was about to malfunction and crash when those around me booed the chanters and someone said the obvious, "You know no one from the USA is playing today."
That shut them up. But I think they were confused. You should have seen their pathetic attempt at the wave.

The Times They are a'Changing

Last night I went to visit a friend and while we were there, a guest at her party pressed a card into my hand. "My daughter's birthday party is next Saturday, I hope you can make it." I looked down and was mesmerised by the glossy image above. I thought to myself, "Children's parties sure have changed since I was a kid."

Not Before My Coffee Please

A few months ago, I was heading into work, as I tend to do most Tuesday mornings. I had ridden the train without incident (probably because I slept almost all the way) and I was now walking up the stairs that run from the subway platform to maze of corridors that runs under the Rockefeller Centre. As I looked up, in a haze of non-caffeinated sleepiness, I saw something unexpected. A butt crack and a heck of a lot of it. Had I been standing behind someone bending down to pick up something, I would not have been surprised - sometimes when bending over, clothes do not act as they should. But, this extensive butt crack belonged to an erect body that was casually walking up stairs. This was no inadvertent plumber's crack. This was more like - I bought a pair of jeans that only comes halfway up my hips because I want the world to share the love of my body.

As I walked behind this woman, who was not even wearing the long tops that women wear (and spend the day pulling down) when they know that they are wearing pants that tend to fall down and expose their behind, I wondered what, if anything, I should do. I was torn - should I say something or did her cavalier attitude mean that this is how she wanted to look? If no one else was reacting, did this mean that I had missed yet another fashion trend? Was this like a skirt stuck in underwear or more like someone trying to be the next Lady Gaga?

Gah! I couldn't! (she got further away from me) How was I supposed to think before 9am? (I would have to yell or run to get her attention) Without any caffeine? (now she had disappeared into the crowd) Doesn't the world know yet that I'm not a morning person?

You're Still There?

The other day I went to the store down the street to buy a loaf of bread. I like to buy bread that has been baked using only wheat, water, yeast and a little salt - you know the classic bread ingredients. I am not interested in "enriched" bread or bread that is modified so that it will last for 6 weeks, in the summer heat, without any mould. I mean, really, do I want to eat what mould won't dare go near?

The challenge though, with preservative-free bread, is that one has to be sure that the bread is as fresh as possible going in. Crazy as it seems, the bread with the least ingredients is the bread that costs the most and, after paying all that money, it is rather painful to get home and discover that the mould got to the bread first. In this summer humidity, the risk of this is quite high.

So, I went into the store and picked up a bag of bread. I could not find a date on it so, at the checkout counter I said to the checkout lady, "I couldn't find a date on the bread, do you know if it was baked today?"
Lady:"Yes, it is sliced."
Me: "I don't mind about that, I just wanted to be sure that it was baked today."
Lady:"Most of our customers like to buy the bread already sliced so we slice it for them."
Me:"Yes, but I am trying so find out if I can find a date for when it was baked."
Lady: "We have bread that has not been sliced if that is what you want but our customers like the bead sliced."
Me: "Oh, okay, thank you."

I picked up the bread and left quickly. My brain was sending panic signals; there was not much more it could take. How many more times can it be in a place that just doesn't make sense? I'm guessing, there is only so much I can put it through before it calls it quits.