Why? Convict, that's why.

Why did I go to the Department of Motor Vehicles? That is a very good question. All I needed to do was renew my driver's licence and change my address. These are tasks that I could have completed online. But I had to go into the DMV and do this in person.

Why in person, you may be wondering. Well, I shall tell you why. When I first moved to New York City, way back in 2000 (dogs probably had horns back then, my memory is hazy) I got a driver's licence and it was wonderful. I was actually sad that I didn't get to use it often because I looked quite lovely on my licence. I had spent the nineties with a series of unfortunate identification documents. On my first licence, I naively thought that hairstyles that were popular in the eighties would be timeless. I regretted that decision before I had turned 18 but I was stuck with that photo. Through college and beyond, I just could not find a camera that liked me. However, I took comfort in the knowledge that one was not meant to look decent in an ID photo - just kinda sorta like oneself.

Then I moved to New York and got my driver's licence. I could not believe my eyes; I looked great. It wasn't just me - I would present my licence as I entered bars and the bouncer would compliment me on my lovely photo. I would be all, "I know! I am so happy to be carded!" Those were glorious days.

Alas, all too soon, the days came to an end. I headed back into the DMV to renew my licence. The DMV was updating its operations then and switching to digital photography. I don't know if the man who helped me was intimidated by the new equipment or just did not know how to take a photo but the licence that arrived in the mail was the scariest piece of mail I have ever received. How bad? Well, if that photo had arrived with a ransom note, I would have told the kidnappers to do what they would as the monstrosity in the picture could not possibly want to live. Man, oh man, what a terrible picture. So my driver's licence was relegated to the depths of my wallet and is only brought out under extreme duress. I kept it away from friends and family and, mostly, me.

Despite my feelings about the DMV, I knew I had to go in and give this camera thing another try. I decided to try Brooklyn because I thought it could not possibly be as insane as Manhattan. As I have told you, I was quite mistaken. Did I mention that I ended up sitting next to a grown man who was sucking his thumb. I hesitated before I sat down as the thought flashed through my head, "if anything goes down in this place, what are the chances that it will start here?"

That photo better be worth it.