Whack, Whack, Whack

My heart has been shattered. You tell each other stories and make plans for the future. We were to be old ladies going on endless adventures and not giving a damn what anyone thought or did. We imagined ourselves on benches, wearing sun hats and bright colours.

Fate is a son of a bitch. Now it's just me and I never even had a chance to say goodbye.

So I won't.

The End, The Beginning, The Something

i don't know about you, but often i get sucked into the bubble that is my mind and the reality that i build for myself. sometimes it is a colourful, joyous space and one that is full of excitement, inspiration and hope. lately, more often than not, it is a space of frustration, irritation and sometimes downright anger. it can also be a very lonely space - despite the saying "misery loves company", my misery does not attract any friends. so, when i raise my head and i am reminded that there are things that can brighten the world and those things can be very simple and straightforward, i smile a little.

it's the end of the year, let me try to make it the beginning of the end of spending too much time in the bubble. here's to holding each other a little more (with the other parties' consent, of course). here's to recognising more messages of hope, joy and inspiration.

here's to the somethings!

Whoa! Wonderment

August 21st is my father's birthday. I am not sure when it become tradition but I did what I have come to do every year on my father's birthday: I opened up a little box of letters from him and read a few. I laughed and I cried and I thought about how much I still miss him.

Then I got ready to go out and experience the eclipse. I made sure I made no appointments on Monday afternoon as I was determined to see this eclipse. We were only going to have a partial experience, we were told. No matter, partial is likely quite different from no eclipse at all. Because I had not ordered glasses (by the time I decided I was excited about the eclipse, I couldn't buy the glasses anywhere), so I went to a local bar that offered glasses to those who attended. By the time I got to the bar, all glasses had been given out (it seems I was not alone in snagging glasses early). I was deflated.

"Would you like to take a look?" A very kind woman offered me a peek through the glasses she was holding out to me. She didn't have to ask me twice. I put the glasses on and I looked up.

Awestruck. Silenced. Reverent. That photo doesn't begin to communicate the moment. I got even luckier when an employee gave me a pair of glasses that I was able to hold onto for the rest of the afternoon, as I watched the moon move along until it was gone.

I think I may have a new obsession. I'm already checking calendars to see when I can do this again. This moment reminded me what wonder feels like. During many many moments of cynicism and frustration, this was such an aah moment.

Seeing Red...

When you ask me what I want and I say, "that red one please", I wonder why you then choose to give me the purple, pink or even grey one. It makes me wonder - do you think I don't know what I want? Do you think that what I want is wrong? Do you think you know what I want better than I do and that, when you bring me that not-red one, I shall see the error of my preference? Why does it upset you, when the not-red-after-I-asked-for-red gets me looking a little disappointed? Why does it upset you when I don't say - "this is exactly what I wanted"? Why do you ask me why I don't have my not-red item on me all the time?

Here I am, wondering why you asked me in the first place, if you were not going to give me that. It may not make you happy to see me in red but, oh my goodness, it makes me ecstatic and... it's exactly what I want.

Rough!

Monday was a spectacularly bad day for me. It was like that flower pot in the photo. There I was, with my green shoots looking to grow and flourish and all and people just came by and treated me like a garbage can. I mean, did I look like a garbage can? Do garbage cans have potted plants growing out of them? Ugh.

But yes, Monday was just horrid. It wasn't just the train nightmare, which started with a subway track fire and affected many lines, including mine. It wasn't the very early appointment that I had to make, and I am still not a morning person. It was that, after all of that, I received devastating news. The kind of news that makes you flinch as you try to approach the memory of it, so that you can try to absorb and process it all. The kind of news whose repercussions have nothing good going for them. The kind of news you really want to find a space where you can live in complete denial of it all.

That was my Monday, dumped on, like a plant being taken for a garbage can, still flinching at the memory of it all.

Who's That Genius?

it is just about 7 PM and I just found out that today, Sunday, is National Ice Cream Day. I mean, really? On a Sunday? No one needs a National Ice Cream Day on a Sunday. You know when you need a National Ice Cream Day? On Monday. On a day when a long and bleak week lies ahead and it seems like nothing can lift your spirits. Can you imagine how you would feel if, on a day like that, someone said - Free Ice Cream! I know I would be beyond pleased. I know that that ice cream would give me hope that I could make it through the week. On Sunday, I wouldn't even think to check if it was National Ice Cream Day. What am I going to do now? I may just need ice cream to make me feel better.

Baby Steps... One More Time

Oh my goodness! It has been a long, long while since I wrote here. I got to the point where it was so long that I was embarrassed to write. But, yesterday, I thought to myself - this is my space, this is my writing and as long as I have thoughts, or something, it's not too late. So here I go, again, again again...

The Hangover...

Today is Guy Fawkes Day, which may mean a night of fireworks and fun for some. Today, over here though, it is the day after elections. I don't know if there is a country where fewer people turn out for elections. Even in countries where people are pretty sure that the results will be rigged, people show up in better numbers than in the United States of America. In the past 50 years, the highest turnout percentage has been 65% and, during midterms, which is what we just went through, the turnout is closer to 40%. I don't know what that all means.

I do know that I vote and I vote for all kinds of reasons. Even if things don't turn out the way that I hope (which is often the case) I can at least say that I tried and I feel that gives me the total right to gripe about all the things I don't like. I vote because I have parents who were not allowed to vote, simply because of their race, until they were over 30. Getting to the point where they could vote took a lot and so voting meant a lot. I vote because I am rather opinionated and I like to be able to put that opinion out there.

What sucks about today is the post-election hangover. A whole bunch of people is going over the ashes of what's left and trying to figure out what happened. Boy is that irritating. Postmortem, after postmortem, and none of it is illuminating. All we are doing is waiting for the kids we've given the badges to to throw their tantrums again, for another 2 years until some of us do it all over again.

Time for fireworks... hurrah?

Second Guessing

For the last few weeks, people have been going crazy. It seems as though everyone around me and and around the country is in a state - Armageddon is knocking on our door and is not taking "we're not in" as an excuse. Armageddon is bringing a visiting gift - Ebola. Yep. Over here, in the USA, we are worked up and, for good reason. Officially, just about 5,000 have died, though that may be a huge underestimate. More than twice that many have been sick. There is no cure and the spread is rampant, out of control even.

Oh, those numbers aren't just in the United States? In fact only one person has died in the United States and the part of the world that is being ravaged by Ebola is thousands of miles away, over an ocean and a lot of Americans couldn't find it on a map? But the TV reporter sounds frantic! So I should be afraid, right? I shouldn't pay the scientists any mind when they tell me how difficult it is to spread the disease. I know they say a person has to be symptomatic and that I have to get their bodily fluids on me but who believes in science? That person who just sneezed on the subway could kill me! Even if we have kids who come from a place in Africa thousands of miles away from the affected nations, we must quarantine them. I mean, one can't be too careful, right?

I wasn't really worried before. But then, the other day, I looked over at my husband and I said - I am beginning to think that I am the crazy person for being so relaxed about this. I turn on TV and the radio and I read the paper and I think - why am I not panicked. I should be losing it right now.

So I think I shall go some place and work on getting worked up...

Wha???

I was listening to an analyst speaking on radio about problems with an investment company. There was little oversight and so employees broke the rules. To explain more fully, he then said, "If the Indians run off the reservations, you have no one guarding the borders." 

Okay then. That explains a lot. Now I know why so many analyses in finance are clear as mud. And often clueless. 

A Lovely Day!

Crazy, huh. It's Monday and I am not super grumpy. Why? Well, today the sun came out AND it was warm. The combination of the two resulted in a truly lovely day. All winter I have wanted to punch people and I really want to punch them when it is freezing out and they say the weather is lovely just because the sun is out. If the sun is out and you can't feel it, does it make a sound? Yes, that sound is me groaning whenever anyone tries to tell me that the weather is lovely. The multiple layers get heavier by the day, I need warm weather!

But yes, today - lovely day. I went out in short sleeves. SHORT SLEEVES! I didn't mind the tourists clogging up the pavement so much because I was out in short sleeves and feeling glorious. My fear that winter was never going away subsided a little. I smiled a lot. And in my head I broke out into a glorious song and dance. It may be raining Mondays but it's sunny and warm and I'm diggin' it!

Good Morning

I must be honest with you, I have been grumpy as hell lately. And grumpy is a very polite term for the foul mood I have been in. Almost nothing seems to please me - it's crazy how it can take one small bad thing to overwhelm and squash the many good things that are going on. Or maybe this is just me. Perhaps I am letting the yuck things accumulate and build into a mountain. I should be crushing the molehills.

This morning I was in my yoga class and, usually, I am glad to be in a 6:30 am class because it is too early for my mind to be working. However, today it was whirring away and nothing good was going on up there. I was getting all kinds of frustrated. As I rushed out of class so that I could be at work by nine, I was still all over the place - my feet seemed to big for my boots, my pants didn't fit correctly, I felt strangled by my turtleneck. But as I walked down the street, birds started singing. Perhaps they were squawking in panic. Whatever it was, those birds were chirping their lungs out. It was striking how many were chirping. I thought to myself, are they doing this because there is a storm coming in? Are they trying to warn others about the bad weather approaching? They do say that animals still have the intuition that humans seem to have lost over time. Then again, I mused, whatever it is, it does sound nice. And it is always good to be reminded that we still have a little wildlife in our overcrowded city. I smiled a little.

Then I walked into work and wished my coworkers a good morning as I passed their desks. I was reminded of one my favourite movies, Singin' in the Rain, and that fun song about good mornings. I mean, if I woke up singing that song every day, my days would be way more fun than they currently are. As I sat at my desk I decided that I was glad that I had gone to yoga, it does give me the balance. I am glad that I do all the things that I do in an attempt to remain sane. I have to remind myself often that there are many good things in my life and around my life. I just have to remember to wish the world and myself a very Good Morning! Maybe dance a little while I'm at it.

I Can Has Outsourcing?

So the other day I heard a tale of a rather resourceful man. So, there he was, Bob, as we shall call him, working for Verizon. Well, not just working for Verizon but being the most productive guy in his department. He would come in every day and sit quietly at his desk, staring at his computer screen, apparently programming away like no one else in his department. Looks can be deceiving, Verizon has discovered.

First, Verizon thought they had been hacked. Someone was logging into their computer system from China and they were logging in as Bob, yet Bob was sitting at his desk in the United States. So Verizon called in the investigators and the investigators found that the Chinese connection was a daily event. They looked into it further and the truth became evident - Bob was paying a company in China to do his work. He paid this company a fifth of his salary and, in return, the company made Bob the most productive person in his office. In the meantime, Bob had 8 hours a day of free time. What to do with all this free time, what to do...

Now, this is where I get offended by it all. The guy had figured out a way to have more time to himself and what did he do with all that time? Watch Cat Videos. Yes, that was not me mistyping - he used his free time to watch cat videos. What are cat videos? Well there are people who spend their days filming their cats doing what they believe are amazing or funny things. Bob would spend his days watching these videos. All day. Every day.

At least he took an hour and a half lunch. 

The More Things Change...

A few weeks ago I went out to dinner with some friends and somehow, talk of Zimbabwean handmade paper came up. Hidef had many questions about it and wondered if he could print some of his photos on this paper (he is always on the lookout for new media for his images). I told him that I was sure that I had some of this paper at home - it may the the rule that any self-respecting Zimbabwean worth their salt must own some Zimbabwean handmade paper.

After searching the bookshelf, I found a notebook that, according to the first entry, I received as a gift on 23 December 1998. I made the entry at 7:54 PM. I am not sure why I made a note of that but it seemed important at the time. Judging also, from the entries, even back then I was not a daily journal writer.  Back then on as the year closed out I wrote down some "Proposed Resolutions"

• Get Fit - get a flat tummy (I still try to get fit, mostly so that I can finish well the races that I now run)
• Get a great new job
• Get a company car (A very Zimbabwean concept. No longer a thing here in NYC)
• Get organised - get focused. (Always a work in progress though, in many ways, I think I'm better. Then again it may just be what I tell myself in order to get by)
• Carpe Diem! (Still a philosophy I try to follow)
• Get a better flat (I think I wanted a garden. I still do)
• Have fun (YES YES YES!)

On later days in January 1999, I did also add that I must "learn to be not so tired so I can meditate without falling asleep". I read this out to hidef who tells me that the one thing I don't do well is relax, and he laughed and laughed and laughed. I do try though - I now have an official bedtime and that is a step in the right direction. I don't always get to bed on time but at least I have a goal that I strive toward attaining.

I think the analysis of the proposed resolutions and what happened is that, at the Pandave Resolution Board Meeting, I decided to focus on "Carpe Diem" and have fun and let the rest look out for itself. I mean, really, if you aren't enjoying your life and making the most of it, what are you doing??

Tick Tick What?

Yesterday they took down the massive tree over at the Rockefeller Centre. Today, as I walked to the subway, the empty dark space in the sky made it official - we are in 2013. The people who thought they could read Mayan calendars were wrong and there is no going back to 2012.

Wait, no, wait! I'm not done with 2012. I still want to mull over it a touch. I want to look it over and dance out the good times. I want to take a moment and remember it. Wanna hear it? Here it goes:

1. I spent my year listening to a LOT of NPR. A LOT. And it was fantastic. For all I thought I learnt, there was always so much much to know and be amazed by. 
2. During the first half of the year, I did quite a bit of running. I joined a running class and made some fantastic friends. Unexpected bonus! Who knew that while running so hard you can't talk, a bond can be made, a bond that is cemented by a heaving-breath, silent high five?
3. I had my first stint as a rabbit! It was AH-MAY-ZING!There I was, waiting at a little before the 7 mile mark, waiting for my new running class buddy to come by. I was nervous as heck - she had asked me to help her attain a goal time and I, who had never done this before, wanted to make sure I didn't mess up. There were so many runners that I was afraid I might not see her. Also, there were cops about and I did not want to get busted for jumping into the race like a bandit. She came up and off we went. As we ran, I could not stop smiling - her effort and resolved were incredibly inspiring. And she made her goal time! A month later, she repaid the favour - without her I don't know how I would have made it up that last hill in the race.
4. I ran my fastest half marathon and it was in Brooklyn, my home turf. Helloooo Brooklyn! 
5. Granted, I spent a week in hospital, had my stomach operated on AGAIN, but the views from my hospital room were incredible and the hospital folk took excellent care of me. 
6. My, then future, mother-in-law came to take care of me after my hospital stay (hidef had to travel for work). We spent 10 days together and, during that time, she shared parts of her life that hidef didn't even know about. It was a quality time.
7. I spent Christmas with my mother and sister! I had not done this since 2003, when my father passed away. It was so joyous to celebrate a non-orphan holiday.
8. I got married! What fun the wedding was and how great marriage is now. It's funny - we were having a ball living in sin and we are still having a ball now even though we are no longer edgy sinful bad-asses.
9. I danced, and danced, and danced some more. That ALWAYS makes life better. ALWAYS. How can one be mad while dancing to music? 
10. Even though I did not share my stories as much as I would have liked, I was still very lucky to have about me blog friends like  Dodo, Prettylyf, Oscar and El Editor, and other new ones I came across. When sanity threatened to forsake me and when things looked bleak, I went to them and they renewed my hope and belief in thoughtfulness, beauty, art and a celebration of life.

 Look at that! That's not even a tenth of the great things that happened to me last year and it all seems really darn awesome. Now I'm ready.

2013, let's do this thing.

Having the Time of Your Life...

So, what have I been up to lately? Living my life like an ABBA song... or three! On December 9th, Hidef and I said I Do, I Do, I Do to each other and it truly was one of the happiest days of my life. From beginning to end, I could not stop smiling - even during the moments where I got a little (or a lot) choked up. I still have to pinch myself - I can't believe that Hidef and I found each other. Plus, our families got along as though they had always known each other - bonus!
It is no secret that I love to dance. How can anything be bad if you have dance? If it is, then you aren't really dancing. We danced. We really danced! And it was the best. I truly was a Dancing Queen and then some and I was on the arm of the most fun Dancing King in the world. Going into this, he was not so sure about the dancing thing. Now we shall dance the rest of our lives together.

No Offence...

So, remember how a short while ago I was going on about how Monday shouldn't have all the glory for being the worst day of the week? Well, Monday decided to go all out and try to prove me wrong. I woke up on Monday morning and as I headed out to the subway, there were no indications that this day would be any different from any other work day. I headed down the stairs and took my place on the platform and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

My subway stop is a local stop and, just to make things worse than they already were, about 5 express trains zipped by as we stood on our local track and waited. I had moments when I wondered if there had been an accident or a sick passenger. I wondered if there would be an announcement over the loudspeaker telling us that train service had been suddenly suspended. I wondered how many more people could possibly fit on the crowded platform. And still no train.

Finally.

The train came and I squished onto it - I only had to go one stop before I transferred to the express train. There was an express train waiting and I jumped on. We trundled across the bridge and made two stops. Then, the intercom system crackled to life. The train was being put out of service and we would have to transfer to the train waiting across the platform. The only problem was that the train waiting was full. Beyond full. People were packed in so tightly they made sardines look spaced out. There was no way I was getting on that train. The doors creaked shut and the train left.

And we waited.

And waited.

A train arrived on the express track and we rushed to get on it. No luck. It too went out of service. Now two loads of passengers were waiting on the next train.

And waiting.

A train trundled in on the local track and it was kinda full. But I had had enough. Using my bag as a shield, I got onto that train and headed off. I only had a couple of stops before I had to transfer again onto yet another train. It was waiting on the platform and I even found a seat. But then the train did not move. The intercom crackled to life again.

This time it was door trouble on a train a few stops down and we had to sit and wait.

And wait.

And wait.

I was surprised when the doors finally closed and the train started moving. I was maybe going to get to work before lunchtime! Hallelujah!

So, okay, yes, Monday, I am sorry if you felt slighted by my moves to bring Sunday into your realm. You have shown me who is boss. I am waving the white flag.

10...9...8...

Does tired ever end? I don't know. It seems I don't have time to think it through because, right now, I'm living my last moments as a younger person. In about half an hour I click over to a new year. I wonder if I shall feel different. Um, Feel-Different-With-Age Gods, please let this be the year where my knees feel you g again!

The Worst

Is there really anything worse than autotune? A song comes on and, as the intro plays, you think it may have promise. Then, the 'singing' begins. My poor ears start to beg for mercy, asking me what they did to deserve this punishment. Why?

I mean, really. Why? At this point, why even bother with the people? They aren't playing instruments. They certainly aren't singing. The machines have finally take. Over and we have not even noticed. I for one am too busy stuffing my poor ears with cotton.

It's That Time Again

So Monday is super famous for being the worst day of the week, but the worst night? That gets no play. I am proposing a candidate and I feel that it takes the cup by far. Sunday. Sunday night. The night before Monday. The night before we start that crazy race toward Friday. The night responsibility begins again.

Why should Monday be the only day that gets a bad rap? I propose Sunday night as the new holder of the crown.