Mood Swings

this morning i was really sad, still am a little. i woke up to watch the daily show with jon stewart and there was a piece there about a katy, a town in texas. the small muslim community there wants to build a mosque and the residents of katy are protesting against it. apparently a mosque will make katy a hotbed of terrorism. one neighbour came up with the brilliant idea of holding pig races every friday night to celebrate the american way. of what, i am not really sure but you know it is easy to be gung-ho about murky issues. so whoop! let's go pig racing. a few people interviewed made statements about not wanting "those kids" in their schools, or how it's just not right. one man said that this could be solved the old-fashioned way - just give me a rope... and a tree (can' forget that tree). the guy who hosts the pig races ended his interview by saying he was upset when folk called him racist. get it right folks, he wants to be called a bigot - that is what he is.

i came to work to read an uk guardian article about zimbabwe. nothing i had not read before (except that peter godwin of mukiwa fame has written another memoir). but the reader comments were so disheartening with references to savages, the imf and sudan.

all this and i wonder why the world is not more like a coca cola commercial. is it the corn syrup that they load in these days that is keeping us from having a coke and a smile? nope, now instead i see ads for kleenex with people crying on street corners, reaching for tissue. let it all out, they say.

i'm trying to decide whether i am going to regress to irene cara what a feeling buoyancy (leg warmers and sweatband required) where pretty much all current affairs should be ignored or opt for twisted sister we're not gonna take it anger (i may still need the sweatband). cos the kleenex is making my nose hurt.

It's All My Fault

since i was about 18 maybe a little older, perhaps a little younger, i have been angry with fashion. first it was sundresses. i mean those strappy tops? where was my bra supposed to go? many a time i threatened to go without and show the world! but fear of my mother's wrath kept me in unfashionable tops or t-shirts under the sundresses.

then i discovered the strapless bra and forgot the battle. and now?

the dresses i see in the store windows would look better on my teenage brother than they could ever hope to look on - if i could squeeze them over my ever-expanding hips. plunging necklines, strappy tops, non-existent backs. what the hell? and the models wearing them in the magazines and on the catwalks - i am trying to figure out if designers want them to look like little girls or teenage boys. either way my way out of puberty self is screwed. i look around and i know i am not alone. and i am not even going to discuss what this fashion says about what we are supposed to find desirable.

so this is what i get. when you give up the fight, it emboldens the enemy or at least the mindless designer. and so for this, for dropping the ball, i say - i apologise.

It Was the Best of Times; It Was the Worst of Times

so i popped over to detroit this weekend. my first visit to detroit, which will be my excuse for why i went now and not in, say any other time. my flight out of new new york was delayed by two hours due to windy conditions at laguardia. and they kept us going. first the flight was delayed by just a couple of minutes, then an hour and then as that hour neared its end, the departure time changed by the minute, and never in a good way.

i woke up this morning to freezing rain in detroit - and tried to walk out of the building. but nothing was salted and there were icy stairs to navigate. my two friends and i walked to the top of the first stare but there was no way we were taking the stairs. that would be like bungee jumping without a rope. luckily there was a ramp to the side that we slid down. we held on to each other for dear life as we slipped across the car park to a totally iced out car. we sat inside the warming vehicle as our heroic hosts scraped the car. i felt bad for them but stayed in the non-slippery, dry and warm car. i took the time to work on the right words of admiration for their great window-scraping skills.

we get to the airport and flight after flight has been cancelled and there are super-long lines waiting to check in because, well, because there are dozens of computer self-check-in booths all over the place but only for those with no luggage to check in. now, tell me, with all the new rules on all the things that are not allowed on a plane, who really has no luggage to check in? apparently no one because every one of those booths was free. there was no way i was going to make my flight if i stood in line. i found an agent who said, well we do not bump anyone up in line so you will just have to stand in line and take the next available flight. this to someone who has just seen that already two flights to new york have been cancelled? i tried to go to skycap to check in but i just missed the deadline for that check in. i find another agent and am told to get in line for those who have to rebook because they have missed their flight. yeah... guess how long that line was. and the woman behind me was trying to get to new york too.

screw it! i went over to the computer booth and checked in, with no carry on luggage. i left my bag behind in detroit, with plans to pick it up from boston next month (a friend will take it there, thanks!) and dashed through security. did i say dashed? i meant, i tried to dash but was pulled aside to be searched. turns out i had forgotten the south african chutney, indian chutney and jamaican jerk sauce that i picked up at world market and thrown into my bag. apparently they qualify as liquids and are too large to be allowed onto a plane. yeah, the thought of that loss brings tears to my eyes still - it is too soon.

then i ran like the wind from security to gate 28. i caught the last few folk boarding the flight and sat down, relieved and ready to go home. and sat. and sat. for an hour and a half. icy conditions. and then the bumpiest take-off and touch down i have experienced in a while. i was feeling really nauseated and felt worse when i got to the bathroom and was the first to discover that the plumbing was frozen. well, technically maybe second but the first person did not think to tell anyone. did i mention the sinus/tension headache? can those things be caused by flight delays?

oh right... and then there was the phone call from my across-the-hall neighbour telling me that my downstairs neighbour had a leak coming from, she believed, my bedroom. yeah, so my flight was filled with thoughts of getting home to a waterlogged home. i was trying to remember what electrical appliances and wires were plugged in and on the floor. i promised myself that i would get renter's insurance.

silver linings:
i got to new york. which is more than some might be able to say today.
my two neighbours - right next door and across the hall popped into my apartment to make sure nothing was amiss (with the intention of fixing anything that was). thankfully nothing was leaking but they are still my heroes.
i had an fabulous time in detroit.

now that i have slept/drugged off the headache, it really was a great weekend.

UPDATE: there IS something going on with my radiator, i just found out this morning as i came into my room to find water pooled around said radiator. sigh...

Never Good Enough

a couple of months ago, an amazing thing happened. my roommate's book was published. to say that, it's such a simple word that comes nowhere close to describing exactly what it means. let me try:

it starts with a short story, much like several others that you have written before. but then after you are done you don't feel like you're done. "maybe i'll write a novella," you suggest to your roommate, probably just because she is there. because you have already decided, inspired by jamaica kincaid, that is what you are going to do. but as you write, you find that you have more to say. and, well, because you are so darned disciplined, you set out a timetable and make notes and sit down and type away.
and just when you think the hard work is done, you realise that you have barely begun. there is the editing, the dealing with the horrible red pen marks that pandave insisted on putting on your manuscript - gawd, can someone say anal about grammar? and then more edits, and the mostly pointless criticisms from people who did nothing more than read your blood, sweat and tears.
and then you think, this must be it. but nope. because then you have to get your hustle on to get that book in print, to get the amazing book cover, to finally decide on a title (the one you began with in the first place), to put everything together and stick to the publishing date of 1 december 2006. to do interviews, to get reviews, to accept reviews without stabbing the rude and those who clearly just missed the whole point. and still she goes on and on like that totally annoying energiser bunny. interviews, book club meetings, submissions for competitions. whew, i'm tired!

and for two months i sat about wondering, pondering, thinking. being totally overwhelmed by the amazing and trying to come up with a way to put words to it, something good enough, something to show how much in awe i am of all that i have had a front row seat to. but i couldn't come up with anything good enough. for weeks, i had the picture of the book cover, and that was not even my idea. but now i see that it will never be good enough, but it will be the best i can do. that must be worth something, no kai?

P.S. - i blush... all of that and did i mention that the book is great? ohwhatagooseiam!

Revelations

over the last few weeks, one thing has become patently clear: i am not now, nor will i ever be, a morning person.
add in winter temperatures and that whole darkness when you wake up nonsense and... disaster.

since the beginning of the year, i have been going for physiotherapy before i go to work. i start work at 9am and physio is 2 hours long. yeah... one hell of an early wake up. silver lining - mild winter. neutraliser - sun still takes its time about rising, regardless. oh and then i am at work until late, i drag myself home and my eyeballs are too burnt out for me to do much more than be tired and hungry when i get home. i barely read the news (not such a bad thing, cos it's not like there's a lot of good stuff out there these days), i barely blog (a terrible thing cos i am missing out on so many wonderful stories every day) and get next to nothing done (pretty much how things have always been but at least i read the news and blogged back then in the 06's).

my early mornings have made me a totally caffeinated grouch. i spend the entire day trying not to fall asleep at my desk and being more crotchety than a sleepy baby and a bitter old man put together. my poor co-workers. i think i'll take them chocolate tomorrow. and do you know what i think about at any given moment? my greatest desire? a massage to rid my shoulders of the incredible pain and then about a week of sleep. just turn me over occasionally so i don't get bed sores but let me sleep and sleep and sleep. in fact, i can pass on the massage - just hit me over the head so i can sleep and sleep and sleep. and when i wake up, please may someone have come into power who decrees that the day shall begin at 10 am. earliest.

and my sister gets up at 3 am for the morning milking of the cows. totally chirpy. go figure.

Stranded!

okay so, i am told that the united states of america is the most powerful nation in the world. i mean in every shape way and form (except when it comes to running marathons). but you name it - going to war, hundred metre dash, best film in a foreign language? usa! usa! usa!

then why the hell is the exchange rate of the us dollar to the british pound 2:1? how does that make sense? europe is doing the us because buying a plane ticket, vacationing and going on a shopping trip in new york is a much better deal than shopping at home. and me? i am planning a trip to england (and other parts europe, if it is affordable) and i want to weep. i am not sure i shall be able to afford to leave the airport.

my first trip in that direction is planned (fingers crossed et al) for april so i am praying very hard that i win the lottery. that windfall of american dollars just might get me a bar or two of cadbury's chocolate...

Oooh Lordy My Troubles So Hard...

i just came back from my annual trip to harlem. every year, around this time, i head uptown... way uptown... to watch a film, generally attended by the filmmaker and followed by a panel discussion. all in celebration of black history month. tonight the film was liberia, america's stepchild. it was a documentary. a well documented documentary with an impressive amount of footage. i mean there was footage where you would not imagine anyone would want to take a picture, let alone shoot a video. child soldiers, a mutilated samuel doe and subversive politics. as the light's came up i commented to my friend "wow, what a depressing film!"

i need a stiff drink right now. darn it! i wish i had figured out how to smuggle the bottle of rum out of the pre-show reception. my advice to you. well worth the watching. really is. but, pack a drink or two.

Geography Is Important

so today i am reading my morning "newspaper" (primarily source for crosswords and sudoku) and i came across:

"as a celebrity, you can really make people aware of what's going on in the world." paris hilton, on how she plans to go to africa sometime this year.

and i say - you go girl. all these little towns in america, i think it is admirable that she is bringing attention to one. i mean, this must be where she is going to visit... perhaps it is somewhere near paris, texas. or maybe it is in a completely new state, or someone has decided to rename a town in honour of her impending visit. i have never heard of it and so i am so so happy that i am guaranteed learning something new before the year is out. and we know what a bad rep americans have for their allegedly poor knowledge of geography. i think it is great that she is working hard to make sure that she makes people aware of the world, one town at a time.

unless, of course, africa is a super-rich heir who she is planning on hooking up with later this year and she wants to make sure we get the whole story.

In Your Face Hallmark... It's Not About You... Right?

my dislike of valentine's day was created and nurtured by years in boarding school and those horrible who-got-the-most-cards competitions - whose sick idea was that anyway? though, as an aside, i must say one of the girls at school gave me a card i will never forget. she made it herself and inside it said "you make my heart sing!" since i was her senior and she needed to make sure she had a get out of detention free card, it was a very smart move. but that was too little, too late.

time has mellowed me out and i now am at the very least ambivalent about...
hell, who am i kidding. it's not even a real holiday - i still have to come to work. i mean shouldn't it be a day when you get to be with your beloved, be it a man, woman or popcorn and ice cream? last night i prayed that i would get snowed it so that the elements would force a holiday upon us. nope, instead i slippy-slided it into the office (i almost fell 6 times) while being pelted by ice from above. yes, ice... not snow.

highlight of my day?
i got to wear my WELLINGTONS!!! and i LOVE them.

to you all... may you spend quality time with your beloved today

Jill Came Tumbling After...

so, after my bookshelf confession, i was feeling all guilty and, even though it was past my bedtime and i had to be up before the sun, i decided to try do something about it. i had put the imminent collapse out there, the option was floating around and who knows what would happen if the bookshelf caught wind of it? so i went to the bookshelf and pulled a couple of books of the shelf.

disaster.

a shelf fell down, the back fell out, the bookshelf leaned even more to the right (i didn't even think it possible). i went all beyonce on it - to the left, to the left - to no avail. i quickly moved more books while pushing hard on the shelf to try to force it to the left. my living room swiftly became a sea of books but... the bookshelf did not fall down - hallelujah! but today i am shopping for a replacement. i am thinking lots of little shelves might be the way to go. apparently big shelf does not mean will take many books.

The Slightest Touch

i was going to take a picture of it but i am afraid that the flash might set of a very unwelcome chain reaction. my trusted bookshelf of several years, lugged from target and up to my fourth floor walkup, is leaning precariously to the right. things have already fallen off the top and i have been afraid to add more books to the shelf (barnes and noble shopfest still in shopping bags). i know i should take all the books off the shelf before something terrible happens. ask me why and you won't get an acceptable answer. i look at the time and think - it's almost my bedtime and where would i put all those books and... and...

before i know it i shall be writing a post on my book avalanche.

What I Learnt Not Running The Miami Marathon

which turned out to be me not running the miami half marathon, even though they gave me a marathon t-shirt (because they knew what was in my heart). and i have an awesome medal too! it spins.

1. if you want your friends up and supporting you at a marathon that begins at 6:10 am, don't not run in the number one party location in america. even if you provide them with poster board. hence the photo above - no marathon pictures available.
2. 13.1 miles is a heck of a distance, even when not running it. i must say that i finished in a very respectable time of 2hrs 44 min.
3. friends and family do pitch up - closer to 11am (an hour and a half after one has finished not running the half marathon - and yes it was my own fault for not going more slowly). and their very vocal support of you while you are waiting in line for a massage, kinda makes up for their not making it to mile 7 as promised.
4. when not running, keep your eye out for the cameras and make a show of running, smiling and waving (or doing the thumbs up). i am sure i look very athletic in the pictures on the website. and very happy to be up that early in the morning. even though it rained. a lot.
5. breast implants - even impressive ones - do not keep women from running marathons (or men either, i'm sure). and it allows one to wear the skimpiest tops without any concern.
6. there are a lot of porta potties in this world. a lot. and they all have long lines outside them.
7. the sleepiness that you felt at 3:30 when you had to get up to get to the starting line comes right back as soon as you cross the finish line. they shoulda had beds.
8. when not running, after having your heart set on running, you will experience a lot of guilt. when strangers are cheering you on and you wish you could run for them but you can't really feel your legs and, when you can, you wish you didn't but you are full of energy from the waist up so you can scream and clap right back at them... yes guilty. then you try to run a little in appreciation of their getting up so early to be at mile 7 (really i am not bitter) and all you can achieve is a pathetic hobble.
9. even after not running a half marathon, you do not feel bad at all about the 10 chocolate chip cookies you eat. just balance it out with a couple bananas.
10. there is a lot of bleeding at marathons - men's nipples, a couple of women's feet. and i was told, as exhausted as you might be, you can still feel the pain.
11. you will also find people unable to move, with iv's in their arms
12. don't believe your marathon running friend who tells you she will stick with you throughout the race. do take an ipod for company - or be ready to ponder the deep mysteries of life. for example, who came up with the stripper's pole? who was sitting there watching a woman (do male strippers use poles?) taking her clothes off and thought - you know what would make this sexier? if she were climbing up and down it with the dexterity of our we-did-not-evolve-from-them fellow primates. now THAT would be hot. yep... take an ipod.
    

and for all the blood, sweat and tears, i have recommitted to physiotherapy because i am planning on running the flying pig in may. how could i say no to being able to say - i ran the flying pig?!

6:11 AM

it is 11F or -11C (i still have not discovered what key gives me the degrees symbol). it feels like 0F or -18C (which translates to dem bloody cold). and the heat and hot water in my apartment are not working. i have a small space heater which is blowing it's little heart out but really can't compete. and i am currently boiling a bath as i have a train to catch (off to the city of brother love... hello philadelphia!). the bright side is that maybe coming from this, maybe outside won't feel so cold today...

oh, oh, and did i mention that i had the same, ahem, challenge, when i got to work yesterday? spent the first half hour in my poufy coat but found that it is very hard to type when that padded up. so i then made do with my wrap and the occasional - damn, it's cold. it was kinda warm by 3pm.

i must only assume that all this is happening because, for some crazy reason, summer thinks i do not appreciate it enough. well summer.... i love you to death, ok?

Always An Addiction

so i went out to buy some onions and salt and decided, because at somewhere below freezing, it was a beautiful day warranting a walk over to barnes and noble. by the time i got there, i couldn't feel my face and was wondering what had gotten into me. but i walked in and thought, i'll just go over to the magazine section and see what's new. i won't go downstairs or anything - i don't need new books. but between the magazine section and the front door, there were a whole bunch of books. who thought of putting those there?

by the time i got home i had two barnes and noble bags - how did that happen? - and i am now the owner of:

• adrian mole and the weapons of mass destruction - to add to my collection
• love, a novel by toni morrison - well, because it was there and it was toni morrison
• the cool girl's guide to crochet - because i am eternally striving to be cool and what is cooler than crochet
• drive and learn french - and no, i do not drive
• drive and learn italian - i also have a problem learning
• the indispensible calvin and hobbes - because i have long loved calvin and hobbes
• the essential calvin and hobbes - because if you love something you must have the essential
• cosmopolitan - ahem, how did that get into my bag, kai?

and what does this say about me, apart from i should not be let loose in a bookstore? thank goodness i couldn't find a basket to help me carry my books.

Helloooooo!!!!

i am back in new york and it is FREEZING!!! i return to my life of obsessing about the weather, wondering how many layers to wear and trying to do my sudoku with a glove on while not falling onto someone as i stand on the subway. i shall keep my balance by holding tightly to memories of warm sunshine and focus on beautiful weather. please let that take me through the next couple of months without what little mind i have left.