so i dashed home from work and i was worried i wouldn't make it on time. however, the gods were smiling on me today - they knew what i needed today. train arrived as i hit the platform and the transfer was pulling in as i arrived at that station. now that is what i call the stars aligning. burst into the house at 9:48 pm and switched on the television before even taking my coat off. not sure why, i had 12 minutes but who knows. i sat down and watched larry king talking to some alleged pundits about voting machines and lack of paper trails. one dude called for the purple ink - i hope they take him seriously. i want to wave a purple finger along with the rest of the world (i wonder how long it takes to wash that off). come on larry, what's on next? nothing, no hint. instead i see some george bush impresonator who so does not look like dubya. i can barely sit still - i am not sure what i'll do if things don't work out. i look at the clock 9:59. come on... come on....
10:00
we tune into the new york studio and there he is - resplendent in red and blue tie and full makeup. ah... COOP!!!! he's back.
today... i love monday.
he better NOT mention oprah. i have almost forgiven him for going away.
because... how else can you feel?
Monday, October 30, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
I'm On The Market
thank you kai, for the sketch...
i'm looking for a wife. not one of those new-fangled latest model types. uh-uh.. i want me a good old-fashioned wife. you know - the kind that will have a hot breakfast at the table as i zip out of the house, in too much of a hurry to do more than grab a glass of orange juice. the kind that will offer me the three massages i need as i stagger through the front door (yes, i will have a back door too) after a gruelling day at the office - back, foot and ego. i won't have to worry about wasting my weekends running errands, cleaning house or doing laundry - i'll have a wife. you know when you have one of those, somehow these things are miraculously done. and if they are not, you can say things like -i can't believe that i work so hard and have to come home to a messy house! where is my favourite shirt? don't tell me you didn't pick it up from the cleaners.
my nearest and dearest know that i have been wanting a wife (i am willing to settle for a girlfriend who performs wifely duties) for a while now. lack of success in finding one has led me to this public appeal for assistance. i want my weekends open. i want my personal masseuse waiting for me when i get home. i want to roll out of bed, get in a round of golf, read the paper, watch the game, in a spotless home, surrounded by my two and a half kids as my wife rubs my shoulders. i work damn hard, it's the least i could get back.
this is an equal opportunity position, i will not discriminate based on gender, race or religion - only on how well you cook, clean and can cater to my every desire.
so, um, send in your applications. this laundry isn't going to fold itself.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
I Got The Shakes Real Bad Man...
so i have been descending in a deeper and deeper funk and i was trying to figure out why. it wasn't work, that has always been there. it couldn't be the weather - it ain't that cold yet. yesterday, as i dragged myself into the house and switched on the telly to cnn i realised what it was - 2 weeks no coop! last week, everytime i switched to cnn, the programme information said anderson cooper 360 but i could swear the guy looked just like lou dobbs. i thought, nah, you're just tired, tha's all. but as the week stretched on i knew there was something wrong - town meeting after town meeting with "middle america" and lou dobbs and no coop! what the heck was going on. then my visiting cousin told me that anderson cooper has a shorter slot (i fear until elections). so i think, well maybe i'll just get up at 5am to watch him (yes, i did think that - i got withdrawal, real bad). but i hear that anderson is not on - someone is filling in for him. it gets worse. anderson is off doing something for oprah!
why coop, why??? why oprah? haven't we had the oprah talk? how can you - fraternising with shell-shocked congolese orphans, wearing bullet proof vests in cluster-bombed lebanon, wading in the post-katrina waters be hanging out with you-get-a-car oprah? first bono went shopping and he got a t-shirt and now you? what are you trying to do to me? you're forcing me to use ever last ounce of faith into believing that this will all turn out well. why do you test me so, coop? and to oprah's people, i know you probably know where i live, but i ain't scared. you better send back cooper. i need him to make me feel good about being depressed by news. the clock is ticking. oprah maybe be all-powerful, but i'm an addict in withdrawal...
yeah, and the daily show and colbert report is in reruns this week. so where am i supposed to get the news?
why coop, why??? why oprah? haven't we had the oprah talk? how can you - fraternising with shell-shocked congolese orphans, wearing bullet proof vests in cluster-bombed lebanon, wading in the post-katrina waters be hanging out with you-get-a-car oprah? first bono went shopping and he got a t-shirt and now you? what are you trying to do to me? you're forcing me to use ever last ounce of faith into believing that this will all turn out well. why do you test me so, coop? and to oprah's people, i know you probably know where i live, but i ain't scared. you better send back cooper. i need him to make me feel good about being depressed by news. the clock is ticking. oprah maybe be all-powerful, but i'm an addict in withdrawal...
yeah, and the daily show and colbert report is in reruns this week. so where am i supposed to get the news?
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Nope, No Naked Women Here...
the other day i was taking a brain break and decided to google a musician (i had watched him perform the night before). when i went to the tab for images, out popped out a lot of cleavage (i suppose a lot of half-naked women are associated with him - and no it was not moby). well, i thought to myself, i wonder if i too am associated with a lot of cleavage (wouldn't you? don't you?). so i google my last name and instead i see that, apparently, my surname is somehow associated with "turning shakespearean wisdom upside down." hmmm...
it turns out that the article is about my mother (as a woman of substance) proving that shakespeare's doctrine "frailty, thy name is woman!" is untrue. well two snaps in a circle to you girl! represent!! then i read on to find out that my dairy farmer (since 2002) mother is 50 - which makes me ecstatic because it means that i am 24 and my sister is over the moon because now she is 20. all those extra years to make all those mistakes all over again. i also discovered that my father's name is james - something that really surprised me because the man i have known all my life as my father has the initials o.k. i am trying to find the words to broach the subject with my 50 year-old mother. but the article was about more than youth and new dads.
there were all kinds of things in there about women and farming and rights and land ownership and hard work and confidence. and when i called my mother and mentioned that i had come across the piece online she went back in to interview mode:
- oh, i just think that if those women farmers out there who have big and successful projects read about the little that i have done, then they may really value their achievements. they will look and say, well, if mrs b can get recognition for her little things, what more these great things that i do.
well, i for one am constantly amazed my mother and my sister do it. i spent a couple of months in zimbabwe in 2003, "helping out" on the farm. on the days that i could see clearly past my allergy-swollen eyes, in between the hayfever-induced wild sneezing, i was able to look helpful as i romped in the mud in my completely inappropriate pumas. i know my mother was relieved that it was my sister, not me, who decided to stay home with her to help her out on the farm.
otherwise, that article might have been talking about how on point that wise shakespeare was.
it turns out that the article is about my mother (as a woman of substance) proving that shakespeare's doctrine "frailty, thy name is woman!" is untrue. well two snaps in a circle to you girl! represent!! then i read on to find out that my dairy farmer (since 2002) mother is 50 - which makes me ecstatic because it means that i am 24 and my sister is over the moon because now she is 20. all those extra years to make all those mistakes all over again. i also discovered that my father's name is james - something that really surprised me because the man i have known all my life as my father has the initials o.k. i am trying to find the words to broach the subject with my 50 year-old mother. but the article was about more than youth and new dads.
there were all kinds of things in there about women and farming and rights and land ownership and hard work and confidence. and when i called my mother and mentioned that i had come across the piece online she went back in to interview mode:
- oh, i just think that if those women farmers out there who have big and successful projects read about the little that i have done, then they may really value their achievements. they will look and say, well, if mrs b can get recognition for her little things, what more these great things that i do.
well, i for one am constantly amazed my mother and my sister do it. i spent a couple of months in zimbabwe in 2003, "helping out" on the farm. on the days that i could see clearly past my allergy-swollen eyes, in between the hayfever-induced wild sneezing, i was able to look helpful as i romped in the mud in my completely inappropriate pumas. i know my mother was relieved that it was my sister, not me, who decided to stay home with her to help her out on the farm.
otherwise, that article might have been talking about how on point that wise shakespeare was.
Monday, October 23, 2006
While We're On A Roll
"man accused of having relations with dog"
that was a top headline on yahoo news.
relations? seriously? relations. so i thought, this can't be what it looks like.
but it was.
a man in washington state has been accused of having sex with the family dog - the female dog, people, before you start thinking he's gay or something. his wife came out and found him "having intercourse" with the dog. it brings new meaning to "i can't believe you slept with that bitch!" (i'm sorry, i couldn't resist).
seriously, though, the dog was allegedly squealing and crying, a clear sign to the man that, even though they had connected over dinner and even though the dog had been licking him under the table, she had clearly, as is a woman's prerogative, changed her mind. i know there are people out there who may take offense to the wording that makes it sound as though there was some kind of sexual relationship and rapport between this man and the family dog but you weren't there. you didn't see how that pit bull nuzzled the man and rubbed herself suggestively against him. it was clearly seduction. that bitch knew what she was doing. all these silly rules about bestiality and rape and no consent are just laws created by people who don't understand - just ask nambla.
but this is the clincher folks. the law making bestiality a law was only recently enacted in june, after another man in washington state died after having sex with a horse. and this after the horse promised to be gentle. you see, you can't trust those animals, but it also now clear that we need more than just laws to protect us from their dangerously amourous advances. even those stuffed animals above my bed are giving me funny looks. i pray i am strong enough to resist.
that was a top headline on yahoo news.
relations? seriously? relations. so i thought, this can't be what it looks like.
but it was.
a man in washington state has been accused of having sex with the family dog - the female dog, people, before you start thinking he's gay or something. his wife came out and found him "having intercourse" with the dog. it brings new meaning to "i can't believe you slept with that bitch!" (i'm sorry, i couldn't resist).
seriously, though, the dog was allegedly squealing and crying, a clear sign to the man that, even though they had connected over dinner and even though the dog had been licking him under the table, she had clearly, as is a woman's prerogative, changed her mind. i know there are people out there who may take offense to the wording that makes it sound as though there was some kind of sexual relationship and rapport between this man and the family dog but you weren't there. you didn't see how that pit bull nuzzled the man and rubbed herself suggestively against him. it was clearly seduction. that bitch knew what she was doing. all these silly rules about bestiality and rape and no consent are just laws created by people who don't understand - just ask nambla.
but this is the clincher folks. the law making bestiality a law was only recently enacted in june, after another man in washington state died after having sex with a horse. and this after the horse promised to be gentle. you see, you can't trust those animals, but it also now clear that we need more than just laws to protect us from their dangerously amourous advances. even those stuffed animals above my bed are giving me funny looks. i pray i am strong enough to resist.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Daddy, I Swear I Tried To Close My Eyes
what is this - the spice channel for nambla? i read something about a priest talking about foley, so i am thinking - a man of the cloth, this could be interesting. interesting , yes. but this?
"we were just fondling" and then talk of massages, skinny-dipping and just hanging about naked in hotel rooms. hotel rooms?! how does a 12 year-old boy end up in a hotel room with anyone but his parents? for a second i wonder where his parents thought mark fol was during his overnight trips to washington dc and new york city. and then i think - what the gooney goo goo is up with this priest. first he said they loved each other "like brothers". well, let me tell you something, mr supposed-to-be-unnaturally-celibate priest dude - i have two brothers and this naked massage, skinny dipping hanging out naked thing, that's not their idea of brotherly bonding.
and hey, you can't tell this priest that he did wrong, nope he says, "See abuse, it's a bad word, you know, because abuse, you abuse someone against his will. But it involved just spontaneousness, you know?"
because you know what equal standing a 12 year-old boy and an adult in a position of power and authority are on. but it's okay, guys, nothing bad happened. the priest said it himself - yeah, they fondled and got all spontaneous but they never had sex. at least none that he can remember (but, he adds that he was on drugs at the time). and you can trust this priest - still a priest.
and those news outlets must be wondering what they did to deserve this bumper crop of oh my god i can't believe this sound bites. seriously, you couldn't make this stuff up if you tried. let me tell you what i have learnt from all of this - i am going to become a drunk drug addict. and whatever i may do next week, i'll be sure to take a camcorder and email ready cellphone with me to provide the press with lurid quotes and pulitzer worthy footage. and i'll be sure to hang my head in shame as my lawyer announces that my parents never let me have a pet and, well i was drunk and i am going to rehab. see you soon, mark!
"we were just fondling" and then talk of massages, skinny-dipping and just hanging about naked in hotel rooms. hotel rooms?! how does a 12 year-old boy end up in a hotel room with anyone but his parents? for a second i wonder where his parents thought mark fol was during his overnight trips to washington dc and new york city. and then i think - what the gooney goo goo is up with this priest. first he said they loved each other "like brothers". well, let me tell you something, mr supposed-to-be-unnaturally-celibate priest dude - i have two brothers and this naked massage, skinny dipping hanging out naked thing, that's not their idea of brotherly bonding.
and hey, you can't tell this priest that he did wrong, nope he says, "See abuse, it's a bad word, you know, because abuse, you abuse someone against his will. But it involved just spontaneousness, you know?"
because you know what equal standing a 12 year-old boy and an adult in a position of power and authority are on. but it's okay, guys, nothing bad happened. the priest said it himself - yeah, they fondled and got all spontaneous but they never had sex. at least none that he can remember (but, he adds that he was on drugs at the time). and you can trust this priest - still a priest.
and those news outlets must be wondering what they did to deserve this bumper crop of oh my god i can't believe this sound bites. seriously, you couldn't make this stuff up if you tried. let me tell you what i have learnt from all of this - i am going to become a drunk drug addict. and whatever i may do next week, i'll be sure to take a camcorder and email ready cellphone with me to provide the press with lurid quotes and pulitzer worthy footage. and i'll be sure to hang my head in shame as my lawyer announces that my parents never let me have a pet and, well i was drunk and i am going to rehab. see you soon, mark!
Friday, October 20, 2006
And This Wrinkle Is For...
i should not even be allowed to blog about my work day. i am in the second most uninteresting field in the world - second only to being an actuary (yeah, i said it) and no one should have to hear about the things i do all day. just thinking about it gives me the yawns. but i just have to let it out today.
yesterday, my email started acting up. there were delays and little warning exclamation marks at the lower right-hand corner of my screen. and i mean, who even notices those things? i just thought, well, the server is old and will be upgraded next week and my machine should last that long - our it folk have been warning us for 6 months and we've been okay. what is a few more days anyway? yeah... famous last words.
today i get to work and try to save a document - error message, something about debugging and excel crashes. i decide to install internet explorer while trying to figure out what to do with excel. everything looks good and i go into blogger (still trying to figure out what to do with excel - i brainstorm best, apparently, while doing anything and everything unrelated to work). then i try to leave a comment for someone and web page won't load. damn it! i decide to try to do a system restore (does that ever work?) computer restarts and oh, man... my LAN connectivity is limited (whatever that means) and i have zero internet, outlook is down and my tcp/ip settings are all blank. didn't i just sound all intelligent and knowledgeable right there? i have no clue what all that is about. all i know is the machine was all wonky - couldn't connect to the server and i couldn't connect to the internet.
so i call our IT consultants - and someone calls me back. we go through a process, killing my keyboard in the process. i put her on hold to get a spare keyboard (only because we have so many crises, we have things like that in the office) and we carry on. she tells me to restart my machine and, boom, now i can't even log onto windows. do this and do that she says. i am wondering why i still listen to her but i do it anyway and then, like magic, i am all hooked up again. i mentally take back all the evil thoughts i had been having. i thank her profusely, wish her a fantastic weekend and hang up as i am restarting my machine.
this is when i start laughing hysterically. i can't log on to windows. i have to call back the IT consultants and this time someone new calls me. he doesn't believe that i am doing what he is tell me to do (i don't trust him one bit but i still have been doing everything he tells me to). he remotely logs into my machine and takes over control of my mouse. click click click - can you restart your machine. which i do and NOW the nothing works. username, password, nothing. we stick in a bootable disk and i end up with a black screen with a little white cursor blinking in the upper left-hand corner. it is 4:30 pm and tech tells me that he is going to have to escalate my issue and someone will call me right back to tell me when a human body will come in to fix my machine. i hang up and pick up new york magazine to read about stephen colbert.
of course, no one calls me back and so i have to call them. 1:30pm monday is the earliest that they can squeeze me in. so sorry i can't do any work until someone sorts out my problem but this is the best that they can do and they even had to cancel appointments with other clients to fit me in. so.. what? is this when i am supposed to be grateful? now i know why they work primarily offsite.
i pack and go home. the earliest i have gone home all year. woo hoo! the most exciting work day i have had in months and guess what? absolutely no work done. go figure.
yesterday, my email started acting up. there were delays and little warning exclamation marks at the lower right-hand corner of my screen. and i mean, who even notices those things? i just thought, well, the server is old and will be upgraded next week and my machine should last that long - our it folk have been warning us for 6 months and we've been okay. what is a few more days anyway? yeah... famous last words.
today i get to work and try to save a document - error message, something about debugging and excel crashes. i decide to install internet explorer while trying to figure out what to do with excel. everything looks good and i go into blogger (still trying to figure out what to do with excel - i brainstorm best, apparently, while doing anything and everything unrelated to work). then i try to leave a comment for someone and web page won't load. damn it! i decide to try to do a system restore (does that ever work?) computer restarts and oh, man... my LAN connectivity is limited (whatever that means) and i have zero internet, outlook is down and my tcp/ip settings are all blank. didn't i just sound all intelligent and knowledgeable right there? i have no clue what all that is about. all i know is the machine was all wonky - couldn't connect to the server and i couldn't connect to the internet.
so i call our IT consultants - and someone calls me back. we go through a process, killing my keyboard in the process. i put her on hold to get a spare keyboard (only because we have so many crises, we have things like that in the office) and we carry on. she tells me to restart my machine and, boom, now i can't even log onto windows. do this and do that she says. i am wondering why i still listen to her but i do it anyway and then, like magic, i am all hooked up again. i mentally take back all the evil thoughts i had been having. i thank her profusely, wish her a fantastic weekend and hang up as i am restarting my machine.
this is when i start laughing hysterically. i can't log on to windows. i have to call back the IT consultants and this time someone new calls me. he doesn't believe that i am doing what he is tell me to do (i don't trust him one bit but i still have been doing everything he tells me to). he remotely logs into my machine and takes over control of my mouse. click click click - can you restart your machine. which i do and NOW the nothing works. username, password, nothing. we stick in a bootable disk and i end up with a black screen with a little white cursor blinking in the upper left-hand corner. it is 4:30 pm and tech tells me that he is going to have to escalate my issue and someone will call me right back to tell me when a human body will come in to fix my machine. i hang up and pick up new york magazine to read about stephen colbert.
of course, no one calls me back and so i have to call them. 1:30pm monday is the earliest that they can squeeze me in. so sorry i can't do any work until someone sorts out my problem but this is the best that they can do and they even had to cancel appointments with other clients to fit me in. so.. what? is this when i am supposed to be grateful? now i know why they work primarily offsite.
i pack and go home. the earliest i have gone home all year. woo hoo! the most exciting work day i have had in months and guess what? absolutely no work done. go figure.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Priorities... Priorities...
i should have been getting organised to move to an orphanage in malawi (madonna's looking for a girl now, i hear) but instead i went off with rebekit to watch moby... i just don't know what is good for me. the zimbabwean life expectancy is 37.8. becoming a ritchie would double it, just like that. no more aids, malaria or tb - it is too much for my doddery old mind (i just have a few more years, you think i could qualify for the seniors' rate at the movies?) i won't even have to worry about clean water - kabbalah water all the way. but no, i was practising my dance moves so that i can stand out when she makes her rounds. make no mistake, i'll be ready.
and if i doesn't work out with madonna, i know there will be others. others with big hearts and big wallets who know now that they can bend those rules archaically set to protect children. you have these rights groups shouting about child slavery and abuse and nonsense like that - it's all fiction. and anyone heading out to poverty-stricken nations has nothing but love and the desire to do great things like double life expectancies. we all know that government officials cannot be bought and always act in the interests of their citizens. so what? these groups wanted child services to be able to monitor the child and potential adopters for a whole 180 days, as is the law in malawi? you know no ones serious about adoption should have to go through all that. just the fact that one wants a desperate and ignored child is more than enough.
i am going back to practising my solo for when madonna visits my orphanage:
oh lordy my troubles so hard
oh lordy my troubles so hard
don't nobody know my troubles but god
don't nobody know my troubles but god...
and you moby!
Monday, October 16, 2006
Of Course, Random Internet Guy...
the email subject read:
CAN I TRUST YOU U$15,000,000.00 TO YOUR ACCOUNT
i was totally touched to the core. here is this guy who claims he found my contact address from the south african chambers of commerce and industry and so i know that even though i have never heard of this chamber, the guy must be totally legit. with such an impressive title, i am sure the chamber did its research and could totally vouch for my trustworthiness.
poor paulson benson, son of the late james benson of zimbabwe who was one of the biggest farmers in zimbabwe. his father, despite being a 'black indegene', did not support the president's ideology. as a result, the president's supporters invaded james benson's farm, burned it to the ground, killed him and confiscated all his investments. fortunately for the family, mrs benson kept "FIFTEEN MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS" cash in a safe and was able to take this money to south africa. how did this man know that zimbabwe has my heart. i was barely able to read the rest of the email i was crying at this poor man's family's fate.
well, as refugees, the bensons are only allowed to take $2,000 out of their account to transfer anywhere and this is where i, highly recommended by the chamber of commerce and industry, come in. all i have to do is fly to south africa (i need a vacation anyway) and give these guys all my information and pay a bunch of processing fees that are nothing compared to the good i'll be doing for this family. i mean i may be shelling out all this money up front, but paulson will be entrusting me with US$15 million!!! the account will be in my name and he doesn't know if i will take the money and run. he is taking my word for it that i can be trusted - well mine and the chamber's. and in return i will receive 20% of the $15 million. that is not all. to cover all my upfront expenses on these frozen funds, i will receive a further 5% of the 15 million. that's a whopping $750,000, just for upfront expenses. and i am sure i won't be expected to outlay that much money. and then for my kindness the family unanimously agreed to offer me that 20% or 3 million dollars. wow. just for trusting me. and just because they didn't know me by name and instead referred to me as managing director/ceo (perhaps that is how i am listed by the chamber) that doesn't mean this guy is off. i am off to do good for the disenfranchised.
so, i've put in for vacation time and i am about to give this guy a call so he can take down all my personal information and get the ball rolling. and all this, paulson promises, is 100% risk free. philanthropy really pays... i mean in a purely spiritual way. i am already feeling all warm and tingly all over.
woops... seems i am supposed to have kept this absolutely confidential and secret (they have promised to do the same) or it may jeopardise their asylum in south africa and they may be sent back to face unknown danger. and then who will take care of their US$15,000,000. darn!
CAN I TRUST YOU U$15,000,000.00 TO YOUR ACCOUNT
i was totally touched to the core. here is this guy who claims he found my contact address from the south african chambers of commerce and industry and so i know that even though i have never heard of this chamber, the guy must be totally legit. with such an impressive title, i am sure the chamber did its research and could totally vouch for my trustworthiness.
poor paulson benson, son of the late james benson of zimbabwe who was one of the biggest farmers in zimbabwe. his father, despite being a 'black indegene', did not support the president's ideology. as a result, the president's supporters invaded james benson's farm, burned it to the ground, killed him and confiscated all his investments. fortunately for the family, mrs benson kept "FIFTEEN MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS" cash in a safe and was able to take this money to south africa. how did this man know that zimbabwe has my heart. i was barely able to read the rest of the email i was crying at this poor man's family's fate.
well, as refugees, the bensons are only allowed to take $2,000 out of their account to transfer anywhere and this is where i, highly recommended by the chamber of commerce and industry, come in. all i have to do is fly to south africa (i need a vacation anyway) and give these guys all my information and pay a bunch of processing fees that are nothing compared to the good i'll be doing for this family. i mean i may be shelling out all this money up front, but paulson will be entrusting me with US$15 million!!! the account will be in my name and he doesn't know if i will take the money and run. he is taking my word for it that i can be trusted - well mine and the chamber's. and in return i will receive 20% of the $15 million. that is not all. to cover all my upfront expenses on these frozen funds, i will receive a further 5% of the 15 million. that's a whopping $750,000, just for upfront expenses. and i am sure i won't be expected to outlay that much money. and then for my kindness the family unanimously agreed to offer me that 20% or 3 million dollars. wow. just for trusting me. and just because they didn't know me by name and instead referred to me as managing director/ceo (perhaps that is how i am listed by the chamber) that doesn't mean this guy is off. i am off to do good for the disenfranchised.
so, i've put in for vacation time and i am about to give this guy a call so he can take down all my personal information and get the ball rolling. and all this, paulson promises, is 100% risk free. philanthropy really pays... i mean in a purely spiritual way. i am already feeling all warm and tingly all over.
woops... seems i am supposed to have kept this absolutely confidential and secret (they have promised to do the same) or it may jeopardise their asylum in south africa and they may be sent back to face unknown danger. and then who will take care of their US$15,000,000. darn!
Sunday, October 15, 2006
It's The New Black
forget the miniature dog, skinny jeans or retro-eighties gig and get with the programme.
africa. it's the new black. you didn't know? you better ask somebody!
the best way to work it. first, find a country that no one has heard of - not difficult when it comes to africa (who has heard of anywhere, really?). but madonna's done malawi, brangelina have done namibia and, hell, everyone and their best friend has done kenya. equatorial guinea (which is neither on the equator or nextdoor to guinea) is a great unknown place. lots of oil wealth, a would-be-evil-dictator president if he wasn't sending most of the oil wealth to the us, and a whole lot of poor people needing saving. and they speak spanish - the novelty touch. togo, could work to. short, easy name that just screams punchline. mali, is also an option; granted, matthew mccoonaughey has already been there but, who wouldn't want to say they've been to timbuktu?
then, you gotta work your photo ops to the max. and the options? more than the number of untapped nations. for example - a village and, as the background, lush green hills with a rare mountain gorilla beating his impressive chest somewhere in there - look carefully or you'll miss him. then, in the village, children dressed in ragged american t-shirts - the kind we put in those drop-off boxes, thinking they are going to charity when in fact they are off to destroy the local textile industry (when its free, its easy to undercut without losing profit). and the mothers are wearing traditional garb in stunning jewel-tones. throw in teeth so white and straight you wonder how much they spend on dental care, even though they have no running water (maybe that's where all the money goes). then kneel down next to a child or bend over to listen to a woman you can't understand, pretend you don't notice the cameras - even though the kids won't stop staryign and pointing at them - and there you have it. you are a with-it icon.
lindsay lohan is threatening to go out there and once she's done it, it will be too late. you better get on it asap, you don't want to miss the latest hot fashion accessory before it is so last season.
africa. it's the new black. you didn't know? you better ask somebody!
the best way to work it. first, find a country that no one has heard of - not difficult when it comes to africa (who has heard of anywhere, really?). but madonna's done malawi, brangelina have done namibia and, hell, everyone and their best friend has done kenya. equatorial guinea (which is neither on the equator or nextdoor to guinea) is a great unknown place. lots of oil wealth, a would-be-evil-dictator president if he wasn't sending most of the oil wealth to the us, and a whole lot of poor people needing saving. and they speak spanish - the novelty touch. togo, could work to. short, easy name that just screams punchline. mali, is also an option; granted, matthew mccoonaughey has already been there but, who wouldn't want to say they've been to timbuktu?
then, you gotta work your photo ops to the max. and the options? more than the number of untapped nations. for example - a village and, as the background, lush green hills with a rare mountain gorilla beating his impressive chest somewhere in there - look carefully or you'll miss him. then, in the village, children dressed in ragged american t-shirts - the kind we put in those drop-off boxes, thinking they are going to charity when in fact they are off to destroy the local textile industry (when its free, its easy to undercut without losing profit). and the mothers are wearing traditional garb in stunning jewel-tones. throw in teeth so white and straight you wonder how much they spend on dental care, even though they have no running water (maybe that's where all the money goes). then kneel down next to a child or bend over to listen to a woman you can't understand, pretend you don't notice the cameras - even though the kids won't stop staryign and pointing at them - and there you have it. you are a with-it icon.
lindsay lohan is threatening to go out there and once she's done it, it will be too late. you better get on it asap, you don't want to miss the latest hot fashion accessory before it is so last season.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Six Degrees of Separation
last night my good friend called me and said, "oh my god, i have to tell you," which is generally how our conversations begin.
she was listening to the tom joyner show and his guest yesterday morning was anderson cooper. "do you know him?" yes, she asked me if i knew coop. moving on..
turns out coop was sharing his love of the continent of africa with tom joyner. and not only that, apparently coop dropped some serious knowledge on that show. so she has now joined the anderson cooper fan club. conversation:
"did you know that when he started out, he didn't want to be an intern so he got a friend to make a fake press card for him, took his camcorder and went to africa?"
- yes, he went to niger and was covering people who were affected by a famine there. there was a kid he filmed who died a few days later.
"well, when he was talking to tom, they were acting like africa was so far away and anderson said well do you have cellphone? and everyone was like year. and anderson was all - well you know the material for the chips is found in the congo."
- remember i told you anderson was in the congo last week and his friend was in sudan.
"in the congo! can you believe it and everyone on the show was all - oh. i'm so impressed; listen, we have to find him a good girlfriend."
yes, people, this is how the passionate and informed are rewarded. for there is no greater reward than a good woman.
she was listening to the tom joyner show and his guest yesterday morning was anderson cooper. "do you know him?" yes, she asked me if i knew coop. moving on..
turns out coop was sharing his love of the continent of africa with tom joyner. and not only that, apparently coop dropped some serious knowledge on that show. so she has now joined the anderson cooper fan club. conversation:
"did you know that when he started out, he didn't want to be an intern so he got a friend to make a fake press card for him, took his camcorder and went to africa?"
- yes, he went to niger and was covering people who were affected by a famine there. there was a kid he filmed who died a few days later.
"well, when he was talking to tom, they were acting like africa was so far away and anderson said well do you have cellphone? and everyone was like year. and anderson was all - well you know the material for the chips is found in the congo."
- remember i told you anderson was in the congo last week and his friend was in sudan.
"in the congo! can you believe it and everyone on the show was all - oh. i'm so impressed; listen, we have to find him a good girlfriend."
yes, people, this is how the passionate and informed are rewarded. for there is no greater reward than a good woman.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Long Time No...
today an old friend i had not heard from in a while said hello to me. and you think to youself, what clever things can i say to him that will stick with him for the long periods of silence between the hellos? well, turns out i had nothing clever to say, but you see i keep him as a friend cos he is dead smart.
Kine se Ansi
BY Everton Matambanadzo
Down slope try eke out or puffin ,
sanitated apartheid !
“Alundum” creed like Hollingsworth
to clip the December afternoon
In a meetinghouse cultivated
through excelling in a squirt yard
With Beardsley we’ll be western most
tried Donald but pendant , infallible and tumult
Drove an Oldsmobile for the Bantu
To try, Rena? Some wally with a dragonhead
In an ecosystem not for earthmovers
seemed Edwardian at best and a little trite!
Buy a hut and Lionel see the nettle?
It's pound dry, penny foolish“Kine se ansi” try to collaborate theinsect we ingest it’s antipodes seensplat dry. humors’ demand ,but on the riverbank;
with the upperclassman
so... um, does it rub off?
Kine se Ansi
BY Everton Matambanadzo
Down slope try eke out or puffin ,
sanitated apartheid !
“Alundum” creed like Hollingsworth
to clip the December afternoon
In a meetinghouse cultivated
through excelling in a squirt yard
With Beardsley we’ll be western most
tried Donald but pendant , infallible and tumult
Drove an Oldsmobile for the Bantu
To try, Rena? Some wally with a dragonhead
In an ecosystem not for earthmovers
seemed Edwardian at best and a little trite!
Buy a hut and Lionel see the nettle?
It's pound dry, penny foolish“Kine se ansi” try to collaborate theinsect we ingest it’s antipodes seensplat dry. humors’ demand ,but on the riverbank;
with the upperclassman
so... um, does it rub off?
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Don't Forget To Stretch Afterwards
i was so excited that anderson cooper went to the congo and had reporting from sudan. and yet that week of coverage got me, oh so sad. night after night, i sat on my couch and cried because everything seems so hopeless and so so ugly. death. rape. inaction.
and so i focused on the inane. whenever coop travels, he seems to wear the same blue safari-style shirt. does he have twenty of them or is that his lucky travel shirt that kept him alive in a war zone? was he shot at and lose his crew, emerging with his pants shredded but his blue shirt completely intact. pristine even. maybe they dress him up the same so that we can focus on the story and are not distratcted by what he wears.
so, i got up saturday morning, a little in the dumps, my shallow yet so meaningful existence threatened by thoughts of the sudanese. stories of women being regularly raped on water runs. it seems that if the men go out they get killed. so those are the choices - do we send people out to die or to be raped? pictures of two year-olds shot and beaten. it was saturday morning and i was thinking of congolese war orphans and i thought, enough!
i got out of bed and slathered my body in hydrocortisone cream (my body is not always a friend of nature. i then took two puffs from the asthma inhaler, tugged the sneakers on and headed out to the park. about five miles later, all i could think about was whether my knees would hold out for the 4 flights up to my apartment.
i'm thinking that is what those un folk must be doing. they spend their days recovering from gruelling morning runs (yes, five miles IS gruelling) and thus have no energy to deal with world problems.
and so i focused on the inane. whenever coop travels, he seems to wear the same blue safari-style shirt. does he have twenty of them or is that his lucky travel shirt that kept him alive in a war zone? was he shot at and lose his crew, emerging with his pants shredded but his blue shirt completely intact. pristine even. maybe they dress him up the same so that we can focus on the story and are not distratcted by what he wears.
so, i got up saturday morning, a little in the dumps, my shallow yet so meaningful existence threatened by thoughts of the sudanese. stories of women being regularly raped on water runs. it seems that if the men go out they get killed. so those are the choices - do we send people out to die or to be raped? pictures of two year-olds shot and beaten. it was saturday morning and i was thinking of congolese war orphans and i thought, enough!
i got out of bed and slathered my body in hydrocortisone cream (my body is not always a friend of nature. i then took two puffs from the asthma inhaler, tugged the sneakers on and headed out to the park. about five miles later, all i could think about was whether my knees would hold out for the 4 flights up to my apartment.
i'm thinking that is what those un folk must be doing. they spend their days recovering from gruelling morning runs (yes, five miles IS gruelling) and thus have no energy to deal with world problems.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Basic Economics
the killing fields: africa's misery; the world's shame.
i think someone spent a lot of time coming up with this title as the theme for coop's trip to the democratic republic of congo, well, i mean sorry, africa.
so, if no one wanted a baby gorilla - for what i am not sure but apparently one is worth US$100,000, would they be hunted to near extinction?
if tyra didn't have to wear jewellery worth $5 million on the red carpet, what would a blood diamond be?
if cars ran on electricity, air or water, would the janjaweed be decimating darfur?
if cars ran on electricity, air or water, would the world be dragging its feet over whether or not to try to save those being decimated?
how much of the drc's resources do you think are owned by the congolese?
i do know this:
king leopold's ghost still lives large in the congo. and laughs himself to sleep every night.
i think someone spent a lot of time coming up with this title as the theme for coop's trip to the democratic republic of congo, well, i mean sorry, africa.
so, if no one wanted a baby gorilla - for what i am not sure but apparently one is worth US$100,000, would they be hunted to near extinction?
if tyra didn't have to wear jewellery worth $5 million on the red carpet, what would a blood diamond be?
if cars ran on electricity, air or water, would the janjaweed be decimating darfur?
if cars ran on electricity, air or water, would the world be dragging its feet over whether or not to try to save those being decimated?
how much of the drc's resources do you think are owned by the congolese?
i do know this:
king leopold's ghost still lives large in the congo. and laughs himself to sleep every night.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Bedtime Cuppa...
a whole week of special editions of anderson cooper 360! you thought i had stopped watching. nah, was just distracted by my man bill, but coop is in africa this week! well in the congo really, but that's africa right? he is there with his earnest questions moving me and depressing me with his coverage of life in the democratic (lol!) republic of congo. and just in case i am not depressed enough by the drc, we also are following stories in sudan. and for those of you who don't give a damn about the people, we have a segment on the animals (mostly the rare mountain gorilla) that are being threatened by the crisis in the congo. something for everyone.
Monday, October 02, 2006
No Salad For Me, Thanks
ignorance is bliss. yeah, yeah, so in college i had a t-shirt that read 'ignorance is bondage'. i only wore that so that people would think that i already knew stuff and wouldn't try to load the knowledge on me. ignorance. such bliss. i know i felt a lot better when i stopped watching the news shows after the 2004 presidential elections. so what was i thinking when i decided to read the story about global sludge in ivory coast ending in tragedy? well i certainly wasn't thinking that i was about to learn something, i tell you that. except maybe the the name of a remote village, if i was lucky. i mean it was a small story. i had not seen it breaking anywhere. if it were anything important, well, it would have been on the news everywhere. that is what happens with important stories.
but, no. i got me a whole lot of graphic and unwelcome knowledge - about 400 tons of it. all about a greek-owned tanker, flying a panamanian flag, leased by the london branch of a swiss trading corporation which has its fiscal headquarters in the netherlands. first lesson - globalisation. turns out this tanker was carrying a whole lot of petrochemical waste and caustic soda and a whole bunch of other things we are not being told about. the tanker first went to safely dispose of this waste in europe but were told that it would cost about half a million dollars (apparently this was waste, the likes of which had never been seen before). understandably, this company that had revenues of $28 billion were like - oh hell no, that's too much money! are you trying to impoverish us. we're going to take our waste; we won't let you fleece us.
and the tanker chugged over to ivory coast where in the dead of night, trucks lugged the raw, untreated waste to various dumps around abidjan (because if you are doing something legal with harmless waste, the only reason you dump it in the dead of the night is to avoid the morning traffic rush). the inhabitants of the ivory coast's capital city woke up to noxious fumes and black sludge. at least 8 people have died, more have been hospitalised and scores more have sought medical attention - nosebleeds, stomach aches, headaches. six month-old salam oudrawogol's body is covered in sores and looks as though he is recovering from burns.
trafigura, the company of the tanker, released a statement to let the people of abidjan know that all this sickness was purely in their heads or maybe due to bad spinach because they had run tests on the waste and found that the material that was dumped was of "little or no toxicity". and regarding all the death and sickness doing the rounds "it is still unclear exactly what caused the tragedy."
but it wasn't the waste that they dumped, that was just a coincidence. come on, people, these companies are run by fellow human beings who value life over money. if they had any idea at all that the waste was in any way dangerous, they would have shelled over the half a million dollars for safe disposal. there is no way they would have sent trucks, in the middle of the night, to dump toxic waste at at least 18 sites in well populated city. it is all a big misunderstanding. we all know that you can't just dump on a nation of peoples and cause death and illness and get away with it.
well, i might if i weren't so busy being blissfully ignorant. aaahhh. i feel better already.
but, no. i got me a whole lot of graphic and unwelcome knowledge - about 400 tons of it. all about a greek-owned tanker, flying a panamanian flag, leased by the london branch of a swiss trading corporation which has its fiscal headquarters in the netherlands. first lesson - globalisation. turns out this tanker was carrying a whole lot of petrochemical waste and caustic soda and a whole bunch of other things we are not being told about. the tanker first went to safely dispose of this waste in europe but were told that it would cost about half a million dollars (apparently this was waste, the likes of which had never been seen before). understandably, this company that had revenues of $28 billion were like - oh hell no, that's too much money! are you trying to impoverish us. we're going to take our waste; we won't let you fleece us.
and the tanker chugged over to ivory coast where in the dead of night, trucks lugged the raw, untreated waste to various dumps around abidjan (because if you are doing something legal with harmless waste, the only reason you dump it in the dead of the night is to avoid the morning traffic rush). the inhabitants of the ivory coast's capital city woke up to noxious fumes and black sludge. at least 8 people have died, more have been hospitalised and scores more have sought medical attention - nosebleeds, stomach aches, headaches. six month-old salam oudrawogol's body is covered in sores and looks as though he is recovering from burns.
trafigura, the company of the tanker, released a statement to let the people of abidjan know that all this sickness was purely in their heads or maybe due to bad spinach because they had run tests on the waste and found that the material that was dumped was of "little or no toxicity". and regarding all the death and sickness doing the rounds "it is still unclear exactly what caused the tragedy."
but it wasn't the waste that they dumped, that was just a coincidence. come on, people, these companies are run by fellow human beings who value life over money. if they had any idea at all that the waste was in any way dangerous, they would have shelled over the half a million dollars for safe disposal. there is no way they would have sent trucks, in the middle of the night, to dump toxic waste at at least 18 sites in well populated city. it is all a big misunderstanding. we all know that you can't just dump on a nation of peoples and cause death and illness and get away with it.
well, i might if i weren't so busy being blissfully ignorant. aaahhh. i feel better already.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Better Jolt to the System than Caffeine
on friday, i needed a brain break. numbers were swimming in front of my eyes; eyes that were open only because of the caffeine, but nothing was going on in the brain back office. boss was asking me questions but i am staring blankly back and unable to even form the sentence - let me get back to you on that. i decide i need a brain break so i mosey on down to see the headlines on msnbc. i read that a congressman has resigned over emails. i am thinking - abramoff - wow, that guy was really free with the emails. rolling my eyes and shaking my head, i keep on reading, expecting the usual campaign finance reform, lobbyist yada yada. instead i get hit with this - congressman foley resigned suddenly over news that he had sent emails to a 16 year-old page.
a page? what is this? buckingham palace? a page? what, do we now have a king george??
and then i am just floored - it wasn't the first time. apparently this 52 year-old representative has in the past sent "sexually suggestive" instant messages to other pages.
examples of messages include:
"you in your boxers, too? ... well, strip down and get naked." and
"do i make you a little horny" (i guess he has been watching austin powers movies).
so i am reading all of this catching flies with my jaw-dropped face. i am thinking, wow, this is awful. but i am only half way through the article. what more is there to say?
congressman foley was chairman of the missing and exploited children's caucus and, get this, introduced legislation in july to protect children from exploitation by adults over the internet (do you think he voted against it?). he is quoted as saying "we track library books better than we do sexual predators."
apparently.
a page? what is this? buckingham palace? a page? what, do we now have a king george??
and then i am just floored - it wasn't the first time. apparently this 52 year-old representative has in the past sent "sexually suggestive" instant messages to other pages.
examples of messages include:
"you in your boxers, too? ... well, strip down and get naked." and
"do i make you a little horny" (i guess he has been watching austin powers movies).
so i am reading all of this catching flies with my jaw-dropped face. i am thinking, wow, this is awful. but i am only half way through the article. what more is there to say?
congressman foley was chairman of the missing and exploited children's caucus and, get this, introduced legislation in july to protect children from exploitation by adults over the internet (do you think he voted against it?). he is quoted as saying "we track library books better than we do sexual predators."
apparently.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)