I'm On The Market

thank you kai, for the sketch...


i'm looking for a wife. not one of those new-fangled latest model types. uh-uh.. i want me a good old-fashioned wife. you know - the kind that will have a hot breakfast at the table as i zip out of the house, in too much of a hurry to do more than grab a glass of orange juice. the kind that will offer me the three massages i need as i stagger through the front door (yes, i will have a back door too) after a gruelling day at the office - back, foot and ego. i won't have to worry about wasting my weekends running errands, cleaning house or doing laundry - i'll have a wife. you know when you have one of those, somehow these things are miraculously done. and if they are not, you can say things like -i can't believe that i work so hard and have to come home to a messy house! where is my favourite shirt? don't tell me you didn't pick it up from the cleaners.

my nearest and dearest know that i have been wanting a wife (i am willing to settle for a girlfriend who performs wifely duties) for a while now. lack of success in finding one has led me to this public appeal for assistance. i want my weekends open. i want my personal masseuse waiting for me when i get home. i want to roll out of bed, get in a round of golf, read the paper, watch the game, in a spotless home, surrounded by my two and a half kids as my wife rubs my shoulders. i work damn hard, it's the least i could get back.

this is an equal opportunity position, i will not discriminate based on gender, race or religion - only on how well you cook, clean and can cater to my every desire.
so, um, send in your applications. this laundry isn't going to fold itself.